Something between Us

Chapter 36.

My mom seems worried when I arrive home early without Chase but in true Ally fashion I smile and laugh it off with a fake story of someone spiking the punch that Chase has drank all night.
I tell her how I helped him home before he got into any serious trouble, he clung onto me the whole time and he's heavy and tall for a Polly pocket to carry. I laugh as if I'm imagining the fake memory.
The lie falls off my tongue so easily, I almost believe every word I've just said myself.  It seems to satisfy her, she comes to me kisses my forehead and sighs. 
"you deserved this special night so much my darling." 
I nod, trying to hold in the tears I know will ruin this brilliant façade I've built up.
"My feet are killing from these heels and all the dancing, do you mind if I just head to bed now."
My mom looks at me concerned, I fake a smile and kiss her cheek.
"It was the perfect night mom. Sweet dreams."

I pace myself, I don't rush to my room because that will just set off the alarm bells, I walk up each step, and every so often let off a fake laugh. Telling my mom I'm laughing at the thought of Chase drunk off spiked punch.

I send Chase a lie that should keep him at peace for the night. 
Don't worry about tonight, I just needed to get out of there.
I'm home watching Pretty Woman with my mom so I'm going to be distracted tonight.'
Moms already gushing over Edward.
I'll call you tomorrow. I love you.

Then I respond to Lola's concerned text. 
It just took me by surprise Lola I'm fine I just want to sleep it off. I'll call you later.

I have become an artist in lies. I'm so wrapped up in hiding from people that sometimes I can't even differentiate the truth from a lie anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone. 
I'm terrified of my truth being out there for all to hear to judge and to pick apart. 
I live in a world where the scariest place for me to be is my own mind and no one around me would ever guess.

In a rage I take my prom dress off and throw it into the corner of my room before letting out a silent scream as my body falls to the hard wooden floor.
This feeling of despair has become a companion of mine over the years I welcome it with open arms.
I know it looks like I'm always lying and always running, always hiding.
That's because I am. 
The more I try and hide my demons, if I try just a little harder to hide the hurt eventually I will bury it all. Once and for all.... Right?
I'll be free to move on forever. 
I laugh at myself hysterically. How can I ever truly believe that.
In what twisted universe would I ever believe that to be true.  

I am haunted by every angle avenue of my past. I'm lost in the present and I'm terrified of the future I can no longer see. 
I know this seems like a typical teenage drama. But it's not to me. This is my life and in this life I can't figure out my own mind. My brain is failing me.
How can it be that the most dangerous place for me is the thoughts in my mind. 
When I'm alone in the darkness I'm afraid of where my mind takes me.
I wake up each morning I tell myself a few times I need to keep going. I have to keep. I have to bury this. 
This isn't teenage drama. This is my life.
The life I've found myself in is messy, complicated and terrifying. 

I'm lucky to have my mom, amazing friends.. Captain of the cheer squad. I'm lucky I know that some would kill for this life. 
But I can't help these feelings that have attempted to drown me or years.

If you dig deep beneath the surface of my smile I'm drowning and no amount of life jackets and life guards can save me. I'm a broken doll and I'm sinking. 
Someone can ooze happiness and positivity and live in the shadows so freely. I should know. I've done it my whole life. 
Smile Ally. Nod along Ally. Don't break today Ally. Be brave Ally. Damn it Ally don't do this again.

Here I am once again a lost little girl fed up of battling my demons. Life seems impossible. 
I feel lost in a maze that has no way out and I'm so tired of trying to find the exit. 

She just wants attention. This is her way to get me to come home.

What does she have to worry about?