Her Last Wish

letter from tyson to tiana (never sent)

Tiana,

Bye. I guess I can see now what you meant when you said there's nothing in your mind to say. My mind does feel kind of blank. But maybe that's the shock of it all.

I know you're probably never going to see this. But I just read your letter and I guess I needed (as you put it) to write this letter.

I'm not angry, you know. I guess part of me is. But that's the same part of me that wants you here in my arms where I know you'll be safe. That part can quiet down for now. The larger part of me is happy for you.

I guess I'm not that surprised. Really, you made it kinda obvious. Not to be rude or anything, but... yea. We could see it. We tried to help, but it only seemed to make things worse. And then that little bombshell of information about... I guess I saw this coming. I should've prepared for this.

But I didn't. I didn't want to think about what would happen if you left. I loved you so much (still do) that's it's... hard. To watch this all happen. Right in front of me. I know I can't do anything to stop it. And it hurts.

Missing people hurts. Missing you, most of all.

I didn't know love could feel that way till I met you. I didn't know missing someone could feel this way until you left. (See, I can be poetic)

If you were here and you saw me crying the way I am now, and if you saw the way I'm beating myself up for it, you would've given me that push on my shoulder thing that you do. "It's okay to cry, you know," you would've said. "It's human."

And it is. And I want to thank you for that. For getting me to see that I am not more and I am not less. I just am. I'm human. I struggled for so long, searching for the parts of me that were "perfect" and beating myself for the "rest" that weren't. Constantly reaching to be the version of me everyone sees. It was nice, the way you looked at me the first time. Like a blank canvas.

I don't know what to say (write?) but I will miss you. God, I'll miss you so fucking much

I knew there would be something. I knew it would probably be something like this. I just didn't expect it to hurt the way it does. I know you're ashamed of yourself for "stealing" parts of us, but I like it. It feels like, in a way, a part of us (me) is still with you. (I am such a fucking cliche)

I thought people left because I wasn't enough. I thought I was too less for them. I thought I needed to be more (there's that fucking word again. Need. I guess I can see why you hated it so much). But, with you, somehow, it doesn't feel like that. It seems like we' were what we both needed at the time. And now we both have more to learn. We're adults now, I guess. Might as well act the part.

You don't have to worry about me, if you are. I know I can move on, and I can take part of you with me as well. You've changed me for the better, you know. I, too, don't regret a single beautiful moment of our time. (How could I ever?)

I hope you know, wherever in the world you are, that I love you. We all do. And maybe we're hurt. Maybe I'm hurt. Maybe I wanted a proper goodbye. Just so that I could tell you I love you. One last time. But I hope you know that's it's okay. We're okay. It'll be okay.

Wherever it is that you've gone to, I hope you breathe in that new fresh air of freedom. You've got the whole world in front of you.

I love you. I don't know why I keep wanting to write that. I hope I get to find you again, too. I don't think I can ever forget you. You made my heart beat like crazy and you made me feel peace. At home. I've never felt the way I did when I'm with you. Like if I could just hold your hand it would be enough.

That's a little too sappy, isn't it? It's whatever. It's the truth anyway. I love you. How could I not?

Please be safe. Please please be safe. And I understand. More than you will ever know. I won't lie, I think I'll be angry tomorrow. And maybe I'll get angrier still. But, at least for now, I understand. And I'm not mad at you. Don't worry. I never could be.

with love,
Tyson