letter from tiana to tyson

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Tyson,

Hi. This is all I can really think to say for now. None of the words I need to say are in my head.

I know you're probably looking for an apology but, for now, I don't think I can give one. I'm sorry for leaving without a proper goodbye. I'm sorry I broke our promise. But I'm not sorry I left. I don't think there's any other way. But I thought I could explain myself, at least. Please listen to this. Please understand. I know these are just excuses, I know I'm just giving you bread crumbs when you deserve the whole fucking loaf. But please, please understand.

I couldn't stay. The longer I stayed, the lesser I healed. It's not your fault. It never could be. But I don't think it's my fault either. It just is.

I can't stay in my room, this place, that fucking school. Everything reminded me of you-know-what. It was hell. I could barely sleep at night.

When the call came that my father killed himself, I was so conflicted. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to feel. I know I'm supposed to feel happy, and I am. Maybe. But it was so complicated. So I took it for what it seemed. A chance to start new.

And maybe you'll think "we gave you that" but, please, you have to see this through my eyes. I came from nothing. I had no opinions of my own. No worth. Nothing of value. And all of you, you were beautiful. You had the opinions I never thought of. You had the worth I craved. I was enamoured. Scared and nauseous and enamoured.

So I adopted a lot it. Even when I felt uncomfortable, I didn't care. I gave whatever I could to you all because I thought if I kept giving you wouldn't see that all I gave was shit. I counted on your loyalty, on your love, so that I could copy those pieces of you that I wanted. Craved, even. And I hated myself for it.

Slowly, it seemed like I needed you all (you especially) than wanted you. And I was so scared. I was so scared to need. I was so scared to crave.

How could I love when I felt so disgusted by the very notion of it? Every smile you all threw at me I wanted to burn. How could I casually want something when everything else in me needed it and despised it and loved it? And if I needed, did I love you all or did I need you?

I was suffering.

Every little thing I did could create a flashback. I couldn't dream because of nightmares. I couldn't smile because it seemed more like a a piece of you all than a piece of me. I felt like I was stealing. Lying.

Wouldn't you?

I know I said at the start of the letter that I'm not sorry, and I'm not. Truly, I think I need to do this. To let myself just exist, to let myself live. I think I had no other choice. But if me leaving is going to hurt you, then I'm sorry it had to be this way. Truly.

Please please understand that I don't want to hurt you. Any of you. I love you. And it hurts to know that I'll hurt you.

But I want to heal. I'm tired of this. I need to heal, and it's the only thing I want to need.

I don't want to keep stealing, and I want to figure myself out. And I can't bear it there. I just can't. Please understand. I know you don't owe me a damn thing, but please.

I love you, you know. And I'll miss more than I've missed anyone yet. I'm sorry I'm making this more wordy that it needs to be. The end is simple, I guess. I miss you. I love you. I'm scared. I need this.

If life were merely just a fairytale, you would've saved me and everything would be well again. If life were just a story, it would end when the "wicked witch" is gone. If life were a story, the ending would be so much more simpler. Either I live or I die or you live or you die or we live or we die.

I wish it were that simple. I wish I lived in a world where unicorns existed. I fucking love unicorns.

But we don't. And it hurts. I hate that it has to hurt.

When I heard the news about my father, I didn't know what to feel. But, I think it's because all I could feel was relief. It's over. I can relax my tense shoulders. Now all I have to do is figure out how.

I don't regret the time we all spent together. They were the best moments in my life. There's not really much of a competition there, but I want you to know that they mean the world to me. Need you to know, maybe. My only regret is not giving you all the goodbye you deserved. But I couldn't do it any other way. I knew if I saw you, I'd stay. And if you cried, I knew I wouldn't be able to bear it. That it would be my fault. I'm truly, terribly sorry.

I know you're probably worried. Or maybe not, idk, but I will keep that promise I made to you, at least. I promise to keep myself safe, if not for myself then at least for you. Maybe until I learn I deserve it too.

And I hope, fuck I hope the best for you. If there's anyone in the world who deserves it, it's you. I wish I could make you feel the way I feel when I'm with you. I didn't know love could burn the way it does in me when you laugh.

You mean the world to me. Your smile, your laugh, your tears. When you're drunk and overly emotional. When you did that shitty project for that teacher who said you couldn't, just so he could eat his words. The way you love our friends. The way you look at me... I hope you know I'll carry them like treasure. I never felt as safe as when I'm with you.

But I want to feel safe when I'm by myself. I want to love myself.

I hope someday we can find each other again. I really really hope we do. I know I can never forget you. How could I ever?

with love,
Tiana

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