Pet Project :His Dissertation

Video Journal - The Researcher - Entry 3

Personal Journal – The Researcher – Entry 3

The camera turns on to show the artificially lit office. The room is identical. The man is sitting on the office chair facing the camera which seems to be sitting on either a shelf or something above the sea of paperwork and discarded junk that litters the surface of the desk.

He runs a hand through his hair as he pulls his glasses out from under an old magazine. He unfolds the arms and slides them onto his face and up his nose. He is frowning.

"What is wrong with me?" he asks no one in particular, "I'm proving all the doubters right. They said that this dissertation was a folly, an excuse for gratuitous sex, and that the proposition, methodology and reasoning was flawed."

He inhales a deep breath as he closes his eyes and clenches his fists.

"They can't see what I'm trying to do," he sneered, "The misunderstood my objectives and the entire reasoning behind me studying the psychology behind sexual behavior. I've always been fascinated by human mating practices. It's not because of the rejections I've endured."

"It's true that my own sexual history isn't far from a horror story," he huffs, "But that's not my fault. Women these days expect too much from men. They see men as a fashion accessory, with the perfect six-pack-abs, pecks and biceps. Normal men don't cut it anymore. And if, by some miracle, you make it past the visual test, then you have to morph yourself into a female pleasure instrument. Women these days have seen the movies, books, and they firmly believe that men exist purely to satisfy them multiple times. They expect us to be sex machines and be able to hold back everything while they reach several consecutive mind-blowing orgasms."

"It's a burden," he winces as he whispers, "And there's no apology you can give, should you fail to meet her needs. There's no forgiveness should you cum before she does."

"It's true my failures did inspire this research," he looks away, "But isn't that the case with most legitimate research? I identified a problem, and I'm investigating whether it's a valid observation, that's all. There's nothing sinister or selfish about what I'm doing. It's scientific."

"Once I'm finished my thesis," he looks back at the camera, "Then they'll have to accept it and grant me my doctorate. They'll see then that the rationale was genuine, and that the underlying assumption was accurate. They will have to approve it."

"But first," he rubbed his face, "I need to get my head back on track. I'm deviating from my plan too much. She's influencing my reactions and I'm failing to be objective."

"I knew that she was ideal for this study but I wasn't prepared for how much I'd want her," his fingers dug into his forehead and rotated the skin there, "I lost control on day one and almost threw everything away. And today, I couldn't resist her again. I followed the outline of the plan but failed to implement the spirit of it. Yesterday I fell on her, like a beast, today I was supposed to have sex with her like a yester-year man. With her virginity gone, I wanted to expose her to sex as per the nineteen-fifties where the woman was aroused but existed to give pleasure not expected to receive it."

"Without knowing any difference," he lifted his eye to the camera, "I wanted to gauge her reaction to satisfying my needs first, despite what I promised her. I wanted to see if someone who was unfamiliar and who'd never experienced one before could be disappointed by not achieving orgasm."

"This doesn't mean that I wanted to force myself on to her," he said firmly, "I wanted her willing and ready for me, but I wanted her to enjoy the act without reaching her own completion. And I intended to use a condom."