Pet Project :His Dissertation

Video Journal - Subject 3 - Entry 4

The camera is turned on as subject3 sits down in front of it. Her hair is wet and she's wrapped in the silky robe. The room is the one that she's been alone in previously, her bedroom. She frowns at the lens.

"I didn't think I'd have to do this again," she looks away, "This whole journal thing. I thought I'd never have to be this humiliated in front of you again. If you're watching this then you'll know what a fool I've been. I thought I was smart. I thought I'd planned it all perfectly. I'm not even sure where I went wrong."

"I wanted you to want me," she lifts her eyes to look at camera, "That went perfectly. You abandoned that silly methodology and started sleeping with me outside the dissertation. You even admitted that you liked me and that you wanted me. It was just as planned."

"But then something changed," she frowns, "I thought you'd see me in the red dress and be all horny and confident, like usual. Then I'd be cool and you'd see what it was like being in lust and rejected by the object of your desire. I thought I'd be in control."

"That didn't happen," she bites her lip, "You twisted it and made me chase you. Then you called me all those names, those dirty fowl names, and I lapped it up. I loved it. I wanted it. I forgot my purpose and I let myself believe that you wanted me as something more than just for sex."

She looks away again and grimaces.

"Hell, I even admitted that I love you," she rubs her forehead, "why did I do that?"

"If I tell you that I didn't mean it, that I said it by mistake," she covers her eyes, "Would you believe it? Would I even be able to say that? I really don't think I can lie that convincingly."

"You must think I'm an idiot," she flings her hands out at the camera, "In your eyes, I've known you less than a week and during that time we've done nothing but have sex. You must think I'm in love with you simply because I'm addicted to having sex with you. You must think I'm shallow."

"What a disaster," she breathes out the statement, "You're never going to want to see me again after this and for the record I don't blame you. I joined this study for selfish reasons. I tricked you, deceived you, used you and coerced you into having sex with me under false pretenses. I did all this for revenge and I failed."

"You should be furious with me. I destroyed your dissertation. I wrecked everything. "

"I'm so sorry," she looks at the camera, tears forming in her eyes, "I couldn't see past my own selfish need to have you know what's it's like to be so desperate for someone and yet be unable to secure those feeling in return."

"And if I'm being completely honest," she wipes away a tear, "I always wanted it to be you who took my virginity. I wanted to have sex with you so desperately that I would have done anything to have you."

She laughs a defeated laugh.

"And I did," she squashes her eyes closed, "I practically sold my soul and destroyed any happiness I could possibly wish for just to have sex with you."

"I honestly don't know how to apologize to you," the tears run down her face again, "I don't think there is anything I can do to make up for this. I can only tell you that despite everything, everything I've done, I do love you and I have always loved you, for as long as I can remember."

She grabs a tissue and wipes her nose.

"I should leave now," she looks at the items on the bed, "Before you realize what I've done and throw me out."

She turns and looks at the clothing spread out on the bed once more.

"But you're given me this," she wipes her tears, "You heard what I said and yet you've asked me to put those clothes on and start a new role playing scenario."

"I can't really leave," she purses her lips, "The doors and the windows are all locked."

She looks at the bed again.

"Once more?" she forces a smile, "I might as well enjoy it while it lasts."

She stands up and picks up a white blouse off the bed and fingers the material.

"When you watch this know that I am doing this as my way of saying goodbye," she looks at the window in the room, "We'll have amazing sex once more and then I'll prize open the window and disappear from your life while you sleep. I won't bother you again. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me one day."

She leans forward and turns the camera off.