do-over

vi ; dinner date

"10 Things I Hate About You?" He looked at me as we were sitting on the couch. I pulled the blanket tighter around myself.

"This is my favorite movie," I refused to meet his eyes. Although my face was burning. Everything was burning. I hadn't been this close to him since he made a move. But God did I want to tease him. And not just tease. So much more than that. Sit on his lap. Push my fingers through his soft hair. Push my tongue—

"I miss Heath Ledger.." Adrian said softly as he leaned back into the couch and propped the foot rest up.

I sat frozen, having been shocked out of my perverse thoughts. They slowly melted and I met reality once again. "Me too... He was amazing." I saw, from out of the corner of my eye, Adrian nod.

But he faded as the movie started. I couldn't have helped it. That movie was the greatest movie.

Yet I was becoming too sleepy. Eyelids getting heavy.

Pretty soon I caught myself with my eyes closed and tried to force them open, but they wouldn't. So I hummed and laid down. Head on Adrian's lap.

This was okay.. Right?

What did I know? Half-asleep thoughts don't prove to have very good judgement..

*****

Why did I have to wake up...

I snuggled harder into him, face buried in his chest.

Adrian's arms felt heavy and tight around me. My leg was between his.

Oh he was so warm.. And smelled so good..

But I pushed my face further into him for a completely different reason.

My heart felt heavier than his arms did around me. Leaden. And my chest felt hollow.

I slowly pushed myself away from him, the desire to be alone eating me alive, and wrapped the blanket around myself before heading to the guest room.

"Jax?"

I looked back at the groggy voice to see Adrian running his hands through his hair.

I would think back on that and wish I hadn't been so numb so I could better appreciate how sexy he was.

But at this moment in time.. there was nothing.

His eyebrows furrowed briefly before I turned and started again to my room.

I was moving sluggishly, mind and body both too slow to avoid him as he rushed up to me.

"I know this is hard, but you are not locking yourself away," Adrian's hands gripped my shoulders but I couldn't see him through my tear-blurred vision. He picked me up gently, koala-style, and brought me to his room. There he tucked me in and I pulled the blankets over my head. He got in the bed beside me and I never felt his eyes leave me.

"I don't want to..." I mumbled, voice straining with my tight throat. "I don't want to be in here."

"I'm not letting you be alone right now." Adrian's voice sounded flat. "Jax..." I didn't respond, my body only shook with silent sobs. "You deserve comfort, you know."

"No.." I choked. "I don't deserve anything!" I continued to shake, as if the needy desire to kill myself was too much for my body to handle. "I deserve nothing! Just death! I don't want to be here anymore!" I clawed at my skin, expression turning into one of agony and pain.

But suddenly, strong, warm hands gripped my wrists.

Adrian was silent as he pulled me close.

"I want to tell you not to say those poisonous things," his voice was deep and whispery. "But I want you to let it out too. I'm not sure how to deal with this, but I can't help but help you. I want to help you..."