Falling Apart, Barely Breathing

Chapter 2: Into You Like A Train

Chapter 2: Into You Like A Train

"How do you know he's not coming?" Meredith asks Addison again. "I know you said he told you but what did he say about why?" Meredith clarifies and Addison clears her throat to answer.

"He said he had to take some time to think and figure things out," Addison said. "He said he'd been looking for me all day. I said he'd finally found me. I asked him if he was going to sign the divorce papers or not. And then he told me what you said. And then he cried a little. And then he drank a whole lot. And finally, he said he'd sign our divorce papers if he had our lawyers talk to each other and if he'd had a little less to drink already" Addison continued.

"Scotch," Meredith says simply. "Scotch," says Addison sadly. "Coming right up," says the bartender and Meredith's too weak to make a big deal of his misunderstanding so Addison waves her hand over the bar to be clear that when she and Meredith had said "Scotch." together that it wasn't because they'd wanted one it was because they're Doctor Shepherd's favorite drink that he was drunk off of right now, probably and that neither of them is his greatest fan for the moment.

It occurs to Meredith then that it's possible that Addison was only lying to her when she said that Derek wasn't coming and that maybe he actually was and she knew that and Addison just didn't want to see him score.

But when Meredith looks up at Addison's scared expression again,

Somehow she knows that no matter what she has ever thought or used to think-

About Addison Montgomery-Shepherd;

That she isn't a liar.

Addison isn't lying to her tonight, about this, at least.

And the realization washes over Meredith then as she starts to feel sorry for Addison.

For having come out to Joes, having come out to her all the way here.

Just to tell her that one sentence, that she is 'not Derek.'

And that 'Derek isn't coming'.

That 'Derek isn't coming' back. For either of them.

"I'll take the tequila instead" Meredith insists in a rough and low voice as she nods as if to thank Addison for speaking up for them and then she adds "and add one to my tab for her, too, please" before gesturing towards Addison's surprised sort of half-smile and binging the plate of pretzels closer to where they'd been sitting.

"So." Meredith starts. "So." Mirrors Addison back at her.

"So why didn't you let Derek pick me or choose you or love either one of us?" asks Meredith in a questioning tone. But as if she's genuinely curious and not as if she's angry she didn't give Derek a chance to consider her as an option. Or to consider HER as an option...?

"Because he didn't deserve to," Addison answers almost immediately.

"He doesn't deserve the love that either of us had to offer him" she finishes her sentence honestly.

And Meredith doesn't answer back immediately as Addison had, she sort of stares right back at her as if she's rolling the words inside of her mind and she's trying to spin them into a way that they make sense to her.

"But how the hell do you know what kind of love I deserve?" Meredith asks of Addison finally. As if she REALLY wants to know.

"Meredith, I think we accept the love we think we deserve," Addison says softly.

And she's looking her right in the eye but the cloudy look in those pale green eyes tells Meredith that she's somewhere else entirely.

And then Meredith realizes that in saying that to her that Addison is also saying that phrase about herself, and it stops her in her tracks for a second.