Changing is hard

Part 43

"You would forget about the night I kissed you for the first time and freaking out afterward. You would forget about how I blamed it on too much wine. How I apologized and attempted to walk away. Only for you to grab my hand, spin me around and kiss me as if your life depended on it. From that moment on I trusted you. I trusted you with things that I never trusted anyone with.  I trusted you with my secrets. I told you about my marriage and how my husband used to rape me. I told you about miscarrying twice and the pain that I've went through. I told you that I wanted to end my life at one point. I told you everything about my time with Leopold and in the castle believing that once the curse broke you you would understand why I did what I did. I trusted in your words when you told me that you would never leave me . I trusted you and your promises."

"Regina." she says in a whisper while taking a step closer to the bed. She kneels down taking my hand in hers. I look up at her pulling my hand away and standing up to get away from her. By the time I've turned around to face her she is back on her feet as well.

"That night." I continue not wanting to hear her apologies.

"When the curse..." I am struggling to keep eye contact with her because all I can see is love and regret in them and I am simply not ready for that. So I close my eyes while taking a deep shaky breath before opening them again. Even though I dont want to my eyes still find their way back to hers.

"You accused me of lying. You've said that everything I've ever told you was a lie. That nothing I've ever told you about my past was real. You accused me of making it up to get you to trust me and make you part of some evil plan to destroy Snow White. That was the night when my heart shattered into a million pieces. You said that Henry was better off without me. That if you had known back then you would have never encouraged me to adopt him! You slammed your door into my face without letting me even say one word. That night was the first time that I've ripped my own heart out because if I hadnt I probably would have done something way more drastic. I couldnt bare the pain and once it was out it felt so good because I felt so much lighter. I still felt the pain but it was bareable. I was able to breathe again without breaking apart with every breath I took." She's looking at me as if I punched her in the gut. She takes a step closer probably trying to comfort me but I take a step back. My back landing against the closed door. I realise that if she comes any closer there will be no room for me to escape. Taking another deep breath I continue.

"But I knew that I had to put it back because not feeling anything can be dangerous. It can be addictive and I knew that if I didnt put it back I would have kept it out for the rest of my miserable life and I couldnt risk that. I thought of Henry and I couldnt let him grow up the way I did. So I put it back, did the right thing and saved Snow and Emma and shattered the reamins of my heart in the process. That's when I've decided to leave. I couldn't watch my son being happy without me. I couldn't watch you living your life believing that all I ever did to you was lie. Especially when you were the one person I was always honest with." a tear rolls down her cheek and once again I am thankful for being without a heart. I take a deep breath and look straight into her beautiful eyes.

"So no, you dont know me when I dont have my heart in my chest. We did not go through hard times together because you left before it ever came to that point. And now I am the one asking you to leave. Please leave my room, my house. " I take another breath, forcing myself to say the next few words. Because even though I dont have a heart it's still incredibly painful to say those few words to her, knowing that I will probably always have feelings for her no matter how much I want to change that. Another deep breath.

"My life. Please just leave me alone."