Changing is hard

Part 42

I take a sip of my coffee and can feel myself getting more tense. Taking a deep breath I ask her.
"Where is what?"
"You know what Regina! Where is your heart?"
"In my chest of course. Where else would it be?"
"I dont know but I am starting to doubt that it is in it's rightful place."
"What makes you think that?"
"What makes me think that? Maybe I am thinking that because you seem distant. You seem like you dont care about anything. You seem cold."
"How would you know the way I am without a heart? You left before you could ever experience that or don't you remember?"
"I am sorry but how would you have reacted if you found out that you're a fairytale character? That the person you've spent most of your time with, the person you fell in love with cursed you? That said person cursed a whole land just because of something that happened ages ago? You cursed a whole land because of something that Snow did when she was a child and didnt know any better."
"Thanks for the history lesson." I roll my eyes and turn around so I can face her.
"Do you really think that the only reason I've cast the curse was Snow?" I ask her bewildered. She nods her head and a laugh escapes my mouth before I can stop it.
"Snow was already grown up by the time I've cast the curse. Why the hell would I wait so long to cast it and waste so much of my time trying to kill her if she was the only reason?" I ask her while taking another sip of my coffee and putting it on my nightstand afterwards.
"I thought..."
"Well you thought wrong." I tell her with a stern look on my face while crossing my arms over my chest.
"And to answer your question I would have listened. I would have let her explain. I would have tried to understand her side of the story. The side no one knew about not even Snow. I would have asked her why she did what she did. Why she thought that only way for her to find happiness and maybe even love was casting a curse. I would have given her the chance to make me understand that the world is not only black and white. That not everything is as it seems and that evil isnt born but made. After everything you could have at least let me explain."
"I am sorry." She answers and the room goes silent for a while. I take a deep breath and put my hands through my hair before sitting back down on my bed.
"You know during the curse you claimed you loved me." I start to speak again looking in her eyes before looking back down at my hands while fiddling with them.
"That you would never leave me. That there would always be a way to work things out and I believed you. Over the years I've built up these walls around myself. I've promised myself that I would never let anyone in again because all that love ever brought me was pain and misery. I told myself that I was better off alone and it worked. For years I was alone. Never let anyone see behind the mask of the mayor. Then you came along. You started to ask about my day while I waited for my order at Granny's. You made an effort to get to know me. You didnt give up no matter how much I've pushed you away. You told me to go forward with adopting Henry when I wanted to give him back. You somehow managed to slip through my defenses and walls without me realizing it until it was too late. You made me trust you. When I saw you playing with Henry I knew I was falling hard and that once the curse broke you would leave me. I knew you wouldnt think about the time we've spent together. You would forget about movie nights and cuddling too close. You would forget about putting Henry to bed together and staying the night. You would forget about long nights spent with talking and too much wine. You would forget about that night." I look up at her and can see tears running down her face. I know that if I had my heart inside of me I would have tears in my eyes as well. I hate to see her cry knowing I am the reason for her tears. I want to stop talking but its like a freaking damm broke and everything comes back at once. At the same time a little part of me wants her to know how much pain she put me through. I want her to understand how it feels like when you start to trust a person and start to fall for them and then having them hurt you so bad that you feel like your heart breaks into million pieces. The worst part being that no matter how much they hurt you and no matter how much you try to hate them you cant. That no matter how much damage they had done you still love them and you know that no matter how much you try and how much you want to convince yourself otherwise you will always love them.