Changing is hard

Part 56

I am still facing the door when I feel familiar fingers drawing familiar patterns on the back of my hand. I don't have to look to know who's hand is holding mine now. I take a deep breath, enjoying the feeling, closing my eyes I am starting to lose myself in the moment. Remembering the feeling of her fingers exploring other parts of my body.

"Are you though?" her voice brings me back to reality and I can feel her eyes watching me closely.

"Am I what?" I ask her although we both know that I am only trying to buy myself some time with this question.

"Okay?" she answers with a voice full of emotion.

"No." I answer her before opening my eyes focusing on the ceiling and taking a deep breath.

"But I am not going to tell him that." I tell her before slowly turning my head to look into teary green eyes.

She nods in understanding as her gaze travels down onto our joined hands. It's quiet for a minute or two. The only sounds coming from the muffled voices downstairs and our breathing in here. Both of us not knowing what to say next. I am about to turn away and look back at the ceiling when I hear her sniffing. My heart breaks even more and I am about to tell her that she doesn't need to worry. That I am going to be fine when she looks up at me. Her teary green eyes finding mine once again. My breath catches in my throat and I could swear that my heart skips a beat when I see the tears running down her cheeks. I am opening my mouth, about to tell her to stop looking at me the way she does right now because I can't handle it. I can't handle to see the love and sadness in her eyes because it might break my walls. And I need them strong and steady around my heart right now. But she beats me to it and starts to speak.

"I know you want to protect Henry. I know you don't want him to see you falling apart and I get it." I can feel a lump in my throat building, my eyes starting to sting with tears that I am refusing to share. She squeezes my hand tighter, and I have to look away from her. Trying my best to hold the tears in and swallow the lump in my throat that makes it hard to breathe.

"I really do." She starts again.

"But please..." Her voice is starting to break and I don't have to look to know that her chin is quivering. She's moving our hands from her lap as she moves from the chair she's been sitting on for I don't know how long. Never letting go of my hand as I feel her sitting down next to me on the edge of the bed. All of a sudden, her other hand is caressing my right cheek and I can't help a tear slowly escaping my eye. She wipes it away with her thumb and I lean into the touch, closing my eyes. My resolve and walls are slowly breaking and it's taking everything I have to keep them up. She squeezes my hand and I know she wants me to look at her.

"Please..." she sounds desperate now which makes me give in and slowly open my eyes to look into hers.

"Please, fall apart with me." I want to look away again, but she won't let me. The hand on my cheek moving down to my chin to make sure, my gaze won't leave hers. I can't hold the tears back anymore and with each breath that I take it's getting harder not to break down.

She sees my struggle to keep it together. My already weak walls slowly cracking. They are slowly crumbling and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

"Please..." my voice cracking and just about a whisper as I try to make her stop. But she keeps going.

"Regina. It's okay. Please let me be there for you. Trust me with your heart. Trust me with your pain. Trust that I am going to help you picking up the pieces. Please, let me in."

With every word she's saying my walls keep crumbling until there is almost nothing left. All of a sudden I feel her lips on mine and the last bit of strength that I had is gone. With the feeling of her soft lips on mine and the love she pours into the kiss, I fall apart. I hold on to her desperately. Which makes her kiss me harder. Too soon her lips leave mine and she puts her forehead against mine. Tears are streaming down my face and I feel like I can't breathe. She climbs over me to lie down next to me pulling me into her at the same time. I hold onto her for dear life while drowning in my emotions. The longer we lay like this the harder I cry. She starts stroking my back soothingly and I am slowly starting to calm down. Until the sobbing has stopped and silent tears are making their way down my cheeks. I feel myself starting to fall asleep to her voice telling me that everything is going to be okay.