Changing is hard

Part 48

"I understand why you left although it killed me inside. What's even worse is knowing that you are in so much pain that you felt the need of ripping your own heart out."
"You did WHAT??" I look to my left side to see Henry, David, Snow and Tink standing there. When did they come back inside? I look away from them. Denying it would be useless by now anyway.
So what if I ripped it out? It's better than being depressed, a crying mess and not able to take care of Henry the way he needs to be cared for. Also he doesn't need to see his own mother in this weak state. Nope, not gonna happen. It's better this way for him and for me but I won't say that in front of him. So I decide on staying silent.
"I know that you think feeling nothing is better than feeling pain and I get it." Ruby starts again which makes me role my eyes. Of course I think that and know that as a matter of fact which is why I did it. Also it's not like I dont feel anything. People always think that you cant feel any emotions without your heart in your chest but thats not the case. At least not for me. I still feel things I just dont feel them as intense as before. I cant really describe it but it's like remembering how you felt in a painful situation. You still feel the pain but not as intense as you felt it when the you were in said situation.
As I look back at her I know what she wants me to do. I shake my head in protest. I can't do that. I can't handle the pain right now and I most certainly can't do that to Henry. I am not ready. I can't and won't put it back. It stays where it is. I look at Henry and I can see his sad eyes. Once again it breaks my heart to know that I am the reason for the sadness in his eyes. What if..? No, it wont do him any good. I wont let him see me locking myself away, constantly crying and as I know myself maybe even refusing to eat. Nope. The heart stays where it is. I won't put it back. End of my inner discussion.