White Noise

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Aubri

The incessant beep of the monitor is going to drive me mad if I haven't fallen over that precipice already. Everything thats happened has just been event after event and it's mind boggling to try to process, yet here I am, trying to process it so I can block out the sounds of the very machines keeping my baby and I alive.

I think I allowed this realm of white noise to take over as soon as I heard my child was okay. I finally stopped fighting and let the effects of the pain and trauma pull me under into a slumber. The wind whistling in my ears is still too real. My body shudders but i'm not sure I caused it. I'm not even really here.

I feel like a spectator with front row seats into my inner struggle. I feel like I could split my skull open at any moment and the real Aubri would spring out, something of mythological origins. I feel like these casts weigh 100 pounds and they're sucking the air out of me. I feel like my child is disconnected from me.

My baby is alive and well but, for some reason, the small child; quite like its mother, has retreated into itself to try and make sense of everything that doesn't make sense.

Like how a woman who claimed to love Liam so much could inflict so much mental pain and anguish on him.

I can hear him screaming in the waiting area.

I wish I could call to him.

Reaching out with all the mental strength I can muster, I yell without saying a word. Somehow hoping we can hear me and ease his mind.

Exhausted from the effort, my body sinks deeper into the bed and the blasted monitor goes off again as the edges of my consciousness grow hazy.

I can hear him. He's so close.

He's screaming for me to open my eyes and it pains me that I can't. I'm so tired.

"Aubri! Please!" He begs.

"Baby, I hear you." I weakly think.

"Please." He begs, his voice raspy and cracked from excessive use. He's still giving it his everything.

Baby, i'm tired.

I can hear the doctors shouting for the orderly to remove him and give him something. I can hear him struggling. My man. Never gives up.

The thought comforts me as darkness swallows my broken, battered and bruised mind and body. I welcome it.

Rest.

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