America: 50☆Stars (Vol. 2)

Episode 27: Florida Man

"You're such a shameless person..."

"Anyway, after being served my huge breakfast, I was about to dig in when the weird guy and his lifesize cutout of Donald Trump came to my table. He gave me a condom and offered to show me his genitals."

"Hold up!" Georgia stops her there. "Please tell me you left the restaurant immediately."

"Why would I leave? I was just served my plate of bacon! Yeah, I was weirded out by his offer. I had my gun in my purse. But then, I realized I left my purse at home. I was like, "Fuuuck! How am I going to pay for breakfast?" Because my wallet was also in my purse which was back home. So, I got pissed. I got so pissed, I stuffed a handful of bacon into my mouth to make myself feel better about my dumb ass."

"Aren't you forgetting the weird pervert?"

"I'm getting there, gal! Yeesh!" She lets out a sigh. "While I was stuffing a second handful of bacon into my mouth, the weird guy asked me to put the condom on his dick. I was like, "Why? Can't you do it yourself?" He told me, "Only hot girls can put condoms on my dick." And I thought, 'Aw, he thinks I'm hot.' I immediately liked him."

"That's not how flirting works!"

"After I put the condom on his dick—"

"Ew."

"Hey, at least I washed my hands before I did it," she huffs. "As I was saying, after putting the condom on his dick, he was suddenly enveloped in a ray of light. For a moment, I was blinded by the brightness. So, I got out a pair of sunglasses that were hanging from my tank top and put them on. Then, I could watch him transform from a homeless pervert to a super homeless pervert."

"What's the difference?"

"He wears a cape."

"Okay?"

"And he wields a machete he affectionately calls Kindness."

"How are you still alive?!"

"Don't worry, gal! As it turns out, the weird guy is actually Florida Man!"

"Florida Man? Really?" Unfortunately, this isn't the first time Georgia has heard of Florida Man. Nonetheless, the mention of his name leaves her anxious about where this story is heading. Already, she hates what she's hearing thus far.

Florida nods. "Yeah. Florida Man is sorta like Superman. Instead of taking off his disguise to be a hero, he has someone put a condom on him, so he can do cool superhero stuff like wielding a machete and riding a golf cart."

"I don't think he needs to wear a condom to do those things, nor do I think the things he does are superpowers..."

"Well, Florida Man told me the condom is for his protection."

"From unwanted pregnancies and STDs?"

She laughs, "No, silly. He needs the condom to protect himself from The Impaler."

"The Impaler sounds..."

"I know it's hard to believe. But believe me, The Impaler is not what you're thinking."

"Then, who is...he?"

"The Impaler is a day-walking vampire who's also a professional wrestler, politician, and profound worshipper of Lucifer and the goddess Hecate."

She blinks her eyes. "Are you high?"

"Nope! I'm clean as my butthole!" she chirps. "The Impaler is a bad guy who likes to drink blood from teenage girls, women, cows, and pigs. And recently, he has taken a liking for sea cows!"