whatever is needed to be said

intro

There's this place between being alive and dead. A time gap. This space where you don't live; you don't die; you just float through life as if you were a ghost. But you aren't a ghost because you're not dead. Not yet. You're still breathing. You still have oxygen circulating through your body. Your heart is still beating. You can take even, steady breaths (most of the time). But you're not present. Your soul is slowly dying inside your living body and now you're a zombie-like creature trudging through life. Your heart is broke, your soul is dying, but to the world you are perfectly fine because a scarred soul is not something visible to the eye. Not even with the most expensive microscope. The only thing that allows someone to see inner scars or a broken heart is someone looking at details. But the world is in oblivion and you, you are screwed. And its hard to go on, impossible to make decisions. One easy step could cause you to cross the line. Alive or dead? Prosper or end? The question sounds ridiculous; the answer seems obvious. BUT ITS NOT! Because being alive sounds great, but look under the surface. Being alive means feeling and feeling includes pain and dread and heart break. Being alive means dealing with your own broken heart and dying soul on your own since even your doctor can't tell that you're sick. Death seems gruesome, but its a break. Its finally getting to have peace at mind with everything. no more stress. no more pain.
And again the answer seems obvious. Again you're WRONG. Life can be beautiful, filled with laughter and love and hope. Death means giving up. Leaving without pride or dignity if you choose to leave and QUIT. Death WILL cause those you love pain and grief and it will be you're fault. So the decision remains. ALIVE or DEAD? To fight or quit? Love AND pain or nothing? If you can easily make a decision, props to you. I'm definitely jealous because the answer to those questions do not come easily to me, not without a lot of in depth thought. And so, I am stuck on the line, in that place in between being alive and dead where your body goes on while your soul is giving up. That stage where you just float through life. I am an apparition of lost hope.

not dead, not alive.

g o n e .