whatever is needed to be said

bored in class

I have trained myself to notice him. His eyes burning into the back of my scull, gaze staring into my back. The moment he walks into a room, I know he's there. His smell flits above everyone else's and suffocates me like a pleasantly smelling pillow smothering my face. I do not have to turn around to know he is there. I do not dare turn around in fear of getting lost in those enchanting eyes for another one too many times. I try to continue on, with myself and socializing, but now it's just too blatantly obvious that he's there, standing behind me a few yards away. He leans against the back wall, arms crossed, one leg bent in front of the other (right in front of left) with the bottom of his right foot pressed flat against the bland-colored wall, gaze firm and locked on the back of my retreating figure as I move around the room, trying to escape the suffocation of his scent.

I have not looked at him yet.

It is not hard to picture the nearly blank look he is holding as his eyes trace my figure. He looks emotionless to any passerby, but I see the gears turning swiftly in his head with the slight frown on his plump, pink lips, furrow of his brow, and the cute crease between his eyes. His biceps bulge as his arms remain crossed in front of his chest in a closed-off manner, warning everyone to back off. His sparkling eyes glisten with the longing for a sense of certainty. But there is no longer certainty between us.

And I have not looked at him yet.

I wish I didn't know he was here. I wish a chill didn't automatically sweep down my spine the moment he stepped foot inside, without me even having to spare a glance in his direction. I wish I could carry on as if his mere presence wasn't making me choke up. I wish every cell in my body wasn't trained to become and stay aware of his being. I wish I didn't need him so heavily. I wish I could ignore him. I wish he didn't notice me tonight. I wish I could disappear.

I wish. I wish. I wish.

I maneuver my way through the crowd of sweaty, dancing bodies clumped together in the middle of the dimly lit room. I try to disappear among the people and blend in with their dancing to the upbeat music blasting the bass through my bones. I try to hide in plain sight, but I know I fail. Anyway, I ignore the gaze I know is set in stone on my body as I begin to dance with the others that came here to have a good time, only my time being ruined by a cold, hard slap from reality. I sway and step and shake my body in time to the beat of the music, allowing my eyes to close shut, allowing the energy and adrenaline of the pounding bass to cloud my quickly flitting thoughts. I turn and twirl and bop to the beat, squeezing my eyes shut and praying his eyes would disappear.

They don't.

I make the mistake of allowing my eyes to flutter open, of course my body completing the action just as I turn to face the back wall. My second mistake is allowing my eyes to lift and my gaze to finally fall on his perfectly morphed body. He stands just as I imagined with his arms crossed, right foot placed on the wall, that cute frowning expression of concentration. He's wearing his usual black skinny jeans and tattered converse with a dark grey button-up adorning his chest with the sleeves rolled up just above his elbow. I could still see the rippling muscle of his biceps pressing against the thin fabric of his sleeves, straining the material against his skin. His hair was perfectly swept up, out of his face. I gulp as his ice blue eyes meet mine, my blood running cold. I know I have frozen in place in the middle of all the dancing bodies, making my figure stand out even more, but I have fallen into the very trance I feared to be entrapped in again. He doesn't smile at me, but remains with that almost-blank look on his face. He used to always smile at me. My eyes burn as the memories flash through my mind, playing before my eyes like a very vivd and torturous film. A tear rolls down my cheek as I lose myself in those pools of blue that used to be my safe haven. I watch his face lose the concentrated frown as it quickly changed into a look of sorrow and concern, a much softer, emotion-filled gaze now resting on my face. Another tear slips down my cheek, but this time I make a move to wipe it away with my trembling hand. I quickly turn around, giving him my back once again, as he adjusts his position against the wall, but not before I see him push himself off the wall.