Wherever You Are ☯︎ YUNGBLUD

Five

2:46 AM

I jump out of my sleep, running my hands through my hair as I think about the dream I just had. The dreams I've been having, the constant anxiety of me knowing that Dom will be here soon and there's nothing I can do about it.

The worry of what's gonna happen when I see him again. If I do, I don't even know if it's gonna be him but I assume. He's done that before, and I'm sure he's down to do it for us.

I wonder if he's doing it to get at me. I wonder if he misses me like I miss him. Maybe he jumps out of his sleep as well because he's haunted by the memories of me. Maybe I hit him like he did me, I can only hope.

I can't get over at how he told me to go home after the concert, like he didn't even wanna talk to me. I can't even begin to explain about how I felt when I got home and cried and listened to sad break up songs.

My mind wanders and I decide that I can't take it anymore. My feet lead me out of my bed as I walk over to the window in our dorm. I open it and peek out, looking at the ladder beside our window. I look back to see Mich still asleep and I climb out as I grab the ladder and make my way to the roof.

Just like last December, where I go in my head all the time. I miss his skin on mine and his eyes getting stuck in mine. I miss smiling at him knowing he'll return one just as big. I miss being in love with him and being able to celebrate it, not it being the thing that tears me down and drives me crazy all fucking day.

Dom should be enjoyed, and I'm killing my feelings as I sit here and reminisce when we were okay. I would take it all back and I would work it out with him cause I most definitely want to and I wish I would've realized that.

My fingers shake as I open my phone, going back to our conversation. My eyes wander the screen at his last text he ever sent me, the end of May.

Congratulations on your graduation. You looked beautiful and I love your pictures. I'm so sorry I couldn't make it, you still mean the world to me.

Over and over and over again I read it.

I laugh as my eyes start to water, me rubbing my eyes as I continue to read our conversation. I wish I could swallow my pride and text him.

My eyes wander to another from prom, where we also barely talked but he made sure to compliment me after seeing my pictures on Instagram.

Alaina my love, you're beautiful. I loved the way the red looked on you. Thank you for considering taking me. Xx

A tear hits my screen and I quickly wipe my eyes, feeling like I want to throw up.

My lip rests between my teeth for two seconds as I begin to type, I gulp as I try to come up with things to say.

I miss you.

No, that's stupid. Too simple? I can't break up with him and then text him months later saying that I miss him.

I think about you all the time 🥺

Maybe I add the eye water? That's my emoji, he said it too. Fuck. Why am I doing this to myself?

I shake my head and decide to delete my texts as I watch the letters disappear with the press of my backspace.

My heart races as I sit and read the bottom of our conversation, my eyes shooting down to the bottom of the screen as I see his typing dots now. Please please please say something.

They disappear for a couple of seconds and my heart drops again when they come back.

He's trying to figure out what to say and I bet he isn't even gonna send it. I groan from frustration and lock my phone as I put it down. I place my head on my knees and place my arms around my legs, finding comfort in the change of position.