Wherever You Are ☯︎ YUNGBLUD

Two

I packed up all of my clothes from my closet and dresser for college after giving some of them away. I managed to fit them into two boxes and we luckily have room under our beds to put things.

The sad truth is that half of the clothes in my closet have something to do with Dom, or are Dom's. My favorite piece is the striped shirt, that smelled exactly like Dom as he handed it to me last Christmas. It's insane that it's been almost a year, and Michelle and I are already trying to make room for a small fake tree to put in our dorm.

Just 365 days ago I was at my house, preparing to ask my dad if I could go off to London. I'm now here, doing anything I please without asking my parents. I keep them in the loop and I've found myself mostly talking to Johnny of course. I'm also texting my mom more than my dad, as I'm now closer to her.

Since they separated when I was younger, they moved separate ways and she picked up and moved to Ohio. That is where I'm originally from, and she is around some of her family.

I never asked her for permission if I could go see Dom, I just sent her pictures and kept her updated because she's a rather go with the flow type person. My dad always worried more and that's a fact, mostly because I lived with him.

Now I don't.

It's also crazy to think about how at one time in my life all I wanted to do was be around Dom, and honestly, I can't say much has changed. The last couple of nights I've binged watched a mixture of Netflix and Disney Plus, Dom still not kicking me off of his accounts.

I'm sure he uses it and I know that he knows that my page is still on his account, considering it's not gone yet and it's been a long six months since I've even contacted him.

May is the last time I talked to him, when he wished me a good luck on my tests and a congratulations for graduation. It upset me that a matter of minutes and built up feelings is enough to make us drift apart, enough for him to disappear.

Though I have to remember that it was time for him to tour, but between the last time I saw him and the last time I actually communicated with him, I knew it was over. March is the last time I saw his face and also when I was sent home in heartbreak. Well, not necessarily the last time, but one of the last times.

I remember the looks I got on the flight when I was in a crying fit and also the girl who came and sat beside me. I got her number and she hasn't left my mind.

I also remember the look on his face as he dropped me off and still walked me in even though we ended badly, and he walked me up to my gate. I remember him wrapping his arms around me as he knew it was simply over, and that it was okay to accept it.

Maybe for me it took longer to accept because I was stuck for another three hours with nothing but my roaming, strong, un-delightful thoughts as I was thousands of feet in the air.

In an uncomfortable situation, gross food, and one of my headphones was threatening to go out the whole time. Dom had gotten me a new pair, I threw them in my bag from pure anger and was left with my sucky ones.

The only positive was the view and the only thing going through my mind the whole time was Dominic. It didn't have to be his face, it was just simply flashes of him. One would be his chain, another would be his shoes and socks, and another would be his infectious, beautiful smile.

God, he fucked me up.

Looking back on it I really don't regret anything because Dom made me feel something I never have in a matter of months. I wouldn't regret it regardless, if I could choose anyone in the world to give my heart to it would definitely be him. I got lucky.

What I remember the most though is when I got home and I was a crying fit, Johnathon throwing his arms around me. He knew how to comfort me, and the only thing I could think of is the song Billie made for her brother, the same one I poured my heart out about to Dom.

I would go back to spilling my whole paper to him and just not do it. I got so vulnerable and I feel like it was just a load and ridiculous for me to do that.

He assured me it was okay but something leaves me guessing, begging and hoping it wasn't that. I just wanted to show my love for him, I was so proud of it.

I think he was too, he was just, being realistic. I was still stuck in my fairytale and I tried not to bring up how I was right when I said "I know how these things go." He still thinks I'm wrong but hasn't bothered to take a look at what happened to us.

Whenever I spoke to Johnny about it he told me to listen to music that relates; I told him nobody really sings about how they got their heart broken by a rockstar. He then told me that plenty of rock stars or singers in general speak about getting their heart broken.

Jhené Aiko and Billie Eilish saved me a load of heartbreak. Miley Cyrus too. I won't even get started on the Arctic Monkeys or Cigarettes After Sex. Adele hit different with some ice cream.

I guess they just made it easier. They didn't save me but they were there, holding me right above the water when I was sinking for a little bit.

I got high so many times when I made it back to my house and all I wanted to do was be on a different level, I wanted to feel something different than the heartbreak.

Spotify released its end of the year stats and talked about how the artist I connected most with was Dom, and it put me back into tears for at least another day.

Loving what's the cause of your detriment is ridiculous. But half of us are stuck doing it.

I remember him dropping so many interviews after he started tour, one of them talking about how he was sad in that moment. My thoughts of being hurt were drowned by the idea of hurting him.

To think that I affected the way that he feels and that he makes music based off of the way he feels makes me want to throw up. Imagine him dropping a song about how he feels now or felt a couple months ago, and me having to listen. Actually..

"Alaina!" Michelle says and I jump as I look up at her. I'm now curled up in my bed with my laptop in front of me, completely drained of every emotion as my photo album sits open, plenty of photos of Dom in a folder.

"You're being ridiculous." Michelle becomes concerned for me as she turns the screen towards her and sees the album open.

"No I'm not." I fight back with her and she rolls her eyes at me as she shuts the laptop and pulls it off of my bed.

"Yes you are, come on Alaina," she pulls me off of the bed. "It's Friday night, there's cute boys here, that aren't him. Like Harley." She gives me a look, insinuating that she wants to go out instead of staying in tonight, which I have done for the past three.

She's stayed with me though.

"I'm serious. I'm getting stoned tonight, maybe you should join." She laughs and I join her, deciding to get up from my bed that I haven't left for the past week unless it's been for class.

Post Dom depression hits different.

"Get on a sweater, get dressed, and look pretty." She doesn't say anything else as she looks in the closet on her side of the room, leaving me to venture through mine.