who am I? (Ziall Horlik) AU

Chapter 8

Zayn's POV

          "I don't know how to say any of this. I've never told anyone." I say hearing my father's voice telling me if I told anyone he would kill me. Niall just nodded and told me to continue. I dropped his hands and rubbed my face. I can't do this! I've never told anyone this before. But I can trust Niall. He's been there for me more ways than he knows.

          "So, uh I'll just start from the beginning. When I was younger I used to sing allot and I had a talent show I was in so they were driving there to watch me.  They never made it though. I was 11 at the time it happend. They were killed on impact by a drunk driver. I performed that night thinking they were just in traffic. My dad..."I had to say the words slowly so I wouldn't get sick. "He watched me, but then when they announced the winners he left. He wasn't there when I won but I didn't care I even won after he told me what happened. We went home that night, both in shock. I slept in my sister's room crying and praying that this was a sick joke. That I would wake up with Safaa teasing me about my hair in the morning. Or my mum singing Arabic songs to me. It wasn't though. God, to this day I wish it was." I said tears running down my face. I guess I should tell Niall everything. What's he going to do? Fuck it! He'll find out sooner or later. "After that my dad started drinking... allot. He blamed their death on me... I blamed their death on me. It was my fucking talent show they were coming to! I have no talent and they were still coming! I killed them!" I yelled Niall shook his head no but didn't say anything he just scoot closer to me and placed a hand on my thigh. I jumped back and he moved his hand away. He looked hurt so I offered him my hand instead. He happily took it.

          "So my dad became very angry at me and took it out on me in different ways." Niall sat straighter and the look in his eyes went from curious to angry. "He would just tell me I was worthless and stuff like that. Then he started, uh, hitting me..." that was all it took for Niall to jump up standing looking like he was going to murder someone. Looking at him you would never think of him to be scary but right now he was proving that assumption wrong.

          "He fucking hits you?! That's where you get hurt so badly?! I'm gunna kill that son of a bitch!" Niall yelled face turning bright red in anger.

          "Please let me finish, okay? You need to know the whole story then you can kill him, I really wouldn't mind." I chuckled coldly. "Anyway, so it started getting worse and he would beat me every time he saw me. I was 13 when I snapped my arm in half and had to take me to get it fixed. After my Aunt found out she let me live with her for a while. She helped me allot. Took me to therapist and doctors. They diagnosed me with severe depression. So I got help for allot of things I had done to myself in the time an-" I was cut off by Niall pulling up the sleeves of my black shirt. My blood turned cold when his eyes met the red, pink and while lines up and down my arms.

          "You cut?" He asked looking like he swallowed cotton. I just nodded ashamed of myself.

           "I understand if you think I'm a freak."

          "I think your beautiful, Zayn." And with that he kissed my arms. Tears running down both of our faces. This was the kindest gesture I've ever received from anyone.

          "You can keep talking now but promise you'll try to stop?" He said holding out his pinky. The act made me giggle but I wrapped my finger around his anyway.

          "I'll try, but it's hard." He nodded and I continued with my story.

          "So four months later my aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was forced to live with me dad again until she got better, she never did though. Things got worse with my dad and he thought it would be better if we left Bradford. You know, too many memories. So we moved here but nothing changed. Just a smaller house and no family. Things not only got worse at home, but at school too." I stopped and looked at him, taking a deep breath. I hope he still wants to be friends after this.

          "I have always been different than other boys my age. They liked football, other sports and girls. I liked art, music and well boys..." I trailed off and Niall gasped letting go of my hand. Shit! I shouldn't have told him now he hates me!

          "You mean..."He choked out. Here it comes. "You don't like football?" What? Then he broke out laughing. "You should have seen your face!" He said between laughs. I glared at him then pushed him off the bed, where he landed with a thud. That shut him up.

          "I'm sorry," He said getting up. "It's just I really don't care if your purple, part chicken or gay. Your still Zayn and I like Zayn." Did just say he liked me?! Oh god I need to get some air up in here! He got my hand and played with my fingers. "Please continue."

          I chuckled. He knew how to make everything funny. "Well I had a crush on a guy and he was straight. Long story short he told everyone and Luke and his crew started their assult on me. So I got it at home and at school. Lucky me! So um that's my life that I'm living now and yeah." I decided to not tell him about my father's new assult on me for now. Maybe later.

          "So your okay with your dad beating so you look unrecognizable? And your okay with Luke, Ashton and Josh beating because your gay?" Niall asked confused. I just shrugged.

          "I deserve it. I'm worthless and I'm never going to be loved. No one could and no one ever will. They beat me to remind me it's my fault everything bad happened because of me. I'm just a ugly, fat, worthless faggot that deserves the cuts and scars on my skin."

          "How can you say that!?" Niall yelled. It scared me a bit. "You can't say that about yourself! Your beautiful and deserving of more love than any one could ever give you... than I could ever give you." He whispered the last part to where I bearly heard him. Then he looked into my eyes.

          "I love you, Zayn. I've loved you since the fist time I saw you. You're eyes, your rare smile that only comes out when I'm doing something stupid in class. Why do you think I do that shit?! Do you really think I would want to sing Irish songs in class without a reason? God how can I make you believe in all the things I see in you?" Niall told me with tears running down his face and I no doubt had them on mine too. He loves me too? Is this real? He reached up to wipe my tears but I backed away.

           "No one can love you."  I hear my father's voice tell me. Then something snapped in my head.

          "Why do you back away from me?! Why are you afraid of me?!" Niall cried. I got up fast. He can't know. He's only going to hurt me. He wants to rape me. He can't be trusted. My mind was racing with thoughts. Ever since my father stripped me of my innocence my mind has never been the same. He not only took away innocence, but my sanity. My breath was becoming short and I turned to leave his house. He grabbed my hand and I just yelled back at him.

          "Let me go! You don't love me! You're lying!" Tears were streaming down my face now. I just wanted him to let go.

          "What did I do wrong? I just told you I love you and now your running out on me and yelling at me! I love you, please stop."

          "You want to hurt me! That's all you want to do! You want to hurt me!" I cried pulling my arm out of his grasp. I ran from his room, out his front door. He's  lying. No one could ever love me. I'm disgusting. As I ran from his house I heard Niall say something I never thought I would hear him say. Even after everything I told him and everything that had jist happened. Why would he say that?

          "I won't give up on you, Zayn."

A/N another chapter?! What?! Haha this didn't go as I guessed it would. Please tell me what you think I need feedback so I know if I should continue to write this story or not! Vote/comment and tell me if you like where the story is going! Please comment on parts you like aswell. If you do I'll give you chocolate!

                             -Bri ;)