straight // taegyu

twenty three

taehyun looked down at the tabletop as those words left beomgyu's mouth. "oh. right."

"taehyun, it's never been this serious," beomgyu continued with a rather worried tone. "sure, you've had those times when you didn't want to leave the house or something, but now it's… really bad. you haven't cried in such a long time. you haven't mentioned wanting to… you know… in a long time. you haven't succumbed to stress in a long time, and i thought you were doing well."

taehyun was quiet for a bit, grasping his hands together under the bench. he bit his lips together as his eyes teared a bit. "it's just because… i'm not so positive about life and all the extras. there's too much drama, too much happening. it just kinda sucks. the strain of living is getting to me, and… i can't go on. the depression jokes were funny for a while, but now i'm starting to feel that they're truer than i think. feeling useless, feeling unneeded, feeling… broken…"

a tear slipped down his cheek and he audibly sniffled. his hand went up to wipe away the tear quickly, but more followed. beomgyu stood up and went around the bench to pull the younger into a tight hug. taehyun began sobbing immediately into beomgyu's shoulder, choking out painful sobs as he held beomgyu's senior jacket sleeves tightly in an attempt to calm himself.

"taehyun," beomgyu began softly, "i hate seeing you like this. i always thought you were much more fragile than you let on. but you're enough. you're more than enough. i'm here to give you that appreciation and validity that you need. i'm your assurance. i'm your purpose. you're here for me. i'm your happiness. you're not useless — i need you in my life. i'd want to join you if you ever left me. trust me, if you jumped off a cliff, i'll follow you."

taehyun continued sobbing softly, but allowed beomgyu's words to settle in his mind. he drank in his words, listening carefully to beomgyu's words.

"happiness comes in little doses. it's difficult to always tell yourself this, but that's how it is. don't ever hold in your tears. let them out. cry. scream your heart out. all that time that you endured alone… i'm here to make up for it. i'm here to be your happiness, your purpose."

taehyun listened.

"just breathe. no one will blame you for taking care of yourself. it's okay to make mistakes sometimes because everyone does so. although comforting by saying 'it's alright' are just words, i hope they help. a purpose is difficult to find without happiness, so i'm here to provide you with happiness."

and he still listened.

"life sucks sometimes, but it's up to you to get over the bridge. i'll be here to guide you when you get lost. i'll be here as your reassurance. i'll be your guide. i'll show you happiness. i'll show you how to cope with life. i'll always be here. i don't ever want you to feel down about anything, because i'm here. i'll always be here. don't ever feel like you're never enough because you're more than enough for me. i'll always be here."

and taehyun accepted.

this is my message to all my readers currently going through depression or any other mental health disorder that requires assurance like this. i know what it's like to feel like dying is the best option at the end of the day. i have the scars to prove it.

but i found happiness.

i found reassurance.

i made a friend, and despite having troubles of his own, he pulled me out my rut as my best friend, and he became my happiness. my reassurance. i realized that i couldn't let myself be upset about the person i was forever. i had to change myself if i wanted to feel better about myself.

so i threw away the blade, turned over a new leaf and told myself that happiness was an option at the end of the day as well, not just inevitable death. i picked myself up and got over that bridge.

we all have struggles — who says that we can't over come those troubles?

it's easy to say 'it's alright' when it's not. the key is realizing that you're unhappy and working on fixing that. creating happiness for yourself with a passion you never knew you had. my friend's coping was music and art. mine was writing and journaling. i fixed up many aspects of my life over this last year since my last relapse, and created happiness for myself.

if you don't have any reason to be happy, i'll be your reason. i'll do my best to make you feel happy. talk to me on twitter, tumblr or even right here on wattpad. send me a pm and i'm guaranteed to see it eventually. tell me about your day, and i'll be your motivation to continue to the next day. i'll be your friend if you don't have any.

after all, i know how it feels.

i'm a few of the lucky ones to escape a rut. many fall into depression's evil clutches and suffer what awaits them. but i will not let that happen to any of my readers.

i'm here for you.

[ — producerwoozi ]