Heal The Scars

This Moment

Immediately I feel relieved. Watching the crimson red liquid i'd become so accustomed to covering my skin, the source a wound I inflicted on myself, brings a smile to my face. I ignore the pounding on the bathroom stall. My thoughts too consumed by the monsters in my head. Taunting me and egging me on and on and on until the span of my arm are lined with streaks of red.

I hear his yelling but it sounds so far away. I feel the impact of his fists shaking the stall, his voice demanding to be heard but im long gone. I feel my burning cheeks, hot as coals from the tears trailing down them. It doesn't take long for me to notice the shaking of my hands, adrenaline pumping through my veins.

I'd gone so long without the voices in my head and the constant urges to damage my skin yet here they are stronger than ever. So long. Why let them get what they want? I deserve to be happy and be a teenager like everyone else despite my haunting past. I deserve to be able to live my life the way I want without having these damn voices in my head controlling me and telling me what to do. If anything I deserve that boy right outside this bathroom banging on this door. Lord knows, he's good for me. He keeps me tame and gives me a sense of security that no one will ever be able to give me. Not even the most gentle, handsomest or sweetest guy on this planet. It took all this time for me to see it. The fussing, the fighting, the bickering back and forth almost every day, the kisses, the cuddles and the constant longing to be near him even if he's a few feet away using the restroom took me to realize that I am damn good enough for him.

And I deserve him.

My legs are wobbly but I manage to stand to my feet with the help of the tissue holder. I ignore the voices in my head and use the wall to support me as I waddle over to the stall door. The insanely exquisite human being behind that door whom I love so much giving me the faith and strength I need to slide the lock over and walk out. The voices are only a faint reminder as I take the few steps I need and feel his arms around me again.

He holds me close. Closer than he ever has before. His lips by my ear, quieting down the sobs I didn't even know had taken over me erratically. I don't pull away when he guides me over to the sink. Gathering a few napkins in his hand before placing it under the faucet and bringing it to my skin, he dabs my cuts. They are still bleeding just not as much as before.

I am ashamed; mad with myself, for losing control and causing more battle wounds to appear on my skin. From the disapproving look on his face I can tell he's upset with me too despite the small smile he cracks when he looks down at me. I know by the end of the night, he's going to ask for some explanation and I will give him a shitty excuse.

The people in the crowd were laughing at me, so I had no other choice but to run into the bathroom like the helpless child I am and cut myself with a razor blade.

When he's done, I thank him quietly and roll down the sleeve of my shirt. We exit the bathroom and walk back outside. The crowd seems to have disappeared as we climb back into the car. Just like many times before, I'd ruined the night. I should be used to it by now but im not. No matter how hard I try to be a regular teenager, I end up fucking things up and digging a deeper hole for Hunter to pull me out of. I wouldn't be surprised if the mounds of dirt piled over my head collapsed and buried me with my sticky web of razor blades, bullies, things I'm incapable of such as being an emotionally stable being, and things I want that I know I cant have, a.k.a. Hunter.

In fact I would be happy. Glad that Hunter wouldn't have a constant load on his shoulder and a 16 year old to take care of like a newborn child. Im sure he would love that. He could find someone he could depend on and didn't have to watch over like a hawk in case she pulled out a blade because of the voices in her head. He could find someone perfect. With a beautiful smile, cut free legs, no blemishes on her face and no one to make fun of her because of the cuts on her skin. His smile will never falter and neither will hers. They will live happily ever after and get married and be the world's best couple. They wouldn't fight with each other constantly either. Everything will be perfect. No rainy days, only sunshine.