I'm going into those late night thoughts again as I'm laying on my bed trying to go to sleep. There are about a hundred thoughts running through my head.
I feel a sense of sadness. I was just thinking to myself how it's odd how I look back at messages of one certain person but not the others. Out of all people I could look at the others, but I chose him. I'm telling myself it's because you actually deeply truly cared about him.
That's a good thing I guess.
I was emotionally invested into this person and needless to say everyone thinks I'm over him but deep down into the depths of my feelings I truly miss him so damn much. I don't know what there is about him but I'm so drawn to him and I have this sense of feeling to just give him all my time and endless love including the adventures.
He's so toxic.
This is what I question the most, why am I always attracted to guys who are the worse for me? It's word to think about it but inside, deep down in the depths of their emotional features they are different. It's the type of different that you just can't help but be attracted to. It's sort of like an unsolved mystery, when it's just the two of you, you are dying to ask a numerous list of questions but can't quite put yourself to read them because you don't know how they are or how they'll react...unsolved mysteries like I said.
In other words the bad guys aka the hard asses, deep down inside are actually the kindest souls ever aka that teddy bear you want to hold at night.
Another question I seem to stumble upon is why do these guys have the urge to act tough around others? Almost as if they seem to be putting up a front...a mask to hide their real face. I've notice they've been through a lot of trauma in life, I know I probably sound ridiculous because they're only 18-19 years of age, but you'd be surprised.
These guys like to hide behind masks in order for them to demonstrate to people they're living their best life, but truly they feel secluded and only living in the pits of hell.
It's hard to open up to these toxic men.
When you open up they seem to shut down, listen to you only to have all the information you have given them go in one ear and out the other not even caring about your emotions.
I tried.
I tried to give this one person my all, truly my all if only they knew. He made everything perfect, but I was so new to the whole relationship thing so I really didn't know how to react. If I knew those would be the last days we'd spend together I would've stayed longer and cherish those last few moments together. I would cherish the late nights drives we took after our date, I'd cherish your smile, your laugh, your voice.
God I miss you so much.
Even though you didn't know how to use your lips, I would kill to have them against my one last time.
