AUTHOR: @alldreamedup
REVIEWER: twentyharmony
Hello, @alldreamedup. Hope your day is going well. Here's the review you requested for your book Where Demons Don't Hide. I apologize for the late delivery, it could've been written and sent a lot earlier, but unfortunately this week has been an utter mess for me. Unfortunately, I had to cut this review short and read 5 chapters.
This feedback review will be divided into two main sections, "First Impression", where I offer some line-by-line comments/edits, and "General Impression", the main body of this feedback wherein I recount and critique the elements of your story, your strengths and weaknesses. I read your book twice times, once before writing this review and second while writing this review.
Please understand that none of my comments are personal nor are they intended to be, as "raw" as they get. I do tend to focus mostly on highlighting the issues in a story so that writers can understand what to fix.
Alright, let's begin.
⊙ First Impression:
♧ prologue |
• There was only a roaring silence in my chest.*
** Does silence roar? **
• *Nothing. No thing. Noting.*
**The other two "nothings" are redundant. I got the picture at the first Nothing.**
• *Now the snatches of whispered l was my only light in the dark.*
**Think you dropped a word there.**
• *I remember when I was studying Shakespeare and we were told that noting was pronounced like Nothing, meaning gossip, ovehearing and rumours.*
**"Here's a random piece of info that doesn't relate to the story or serve any point here but, it's a really cool fact and also I study Shakespeare. Btw, if I had done something Corona would still be alive."**
• *If I hadn't taken a back seat, if I hadn't pushed and pushed her to tell me...*
**Despite the line before, this here makes me curious. Why did Kieran push her to talk and what did Corona know? **
• *It felt like something had been carved out of my chest.*
**I like this expression. So dramatic though.**
♧ the coffee shop |
• *She was everywhere. My clothes smelled of her. The girl at the coffee shop dressed like her. A man at the bookstore had glared at me with nearly an equal ferocity as Corona would've done. A couple in the park were laughing like we used to. Two boys were fighting with her anger and persistence.*
**I love the way this paragraph delivers the protagonist's sentiments.**
• *"What do you mean?" I demanded, suddenly angry. "She's gone. She's dead. She's never coming back."*
**One advice I was given when I started writing early on was to limit my use of adverbs when describing, especially the word 'suddenly'. And instead of using adjectives like "angry" and "suspicious", you describe their actions and behaviour. Consider something this:**
**Kieran slams his fist against the table. "What do you mean?" He demands, "She's dead!" / you get the point.**
• *And yet, despite the normality about it, there was something was otherworldly about him.*
**Really? How? I'm not getting that vibe. The only strange thing about him is that he smells of chocolate and burning wood (huh?). Other than that he's literally just smiling.**
• *As weird as he was, I liked him.*
**Why? He's literally done or said nothing remarkable. **
• *"Do you have a last name?"* / *"I went by mother's maiden name Morgan.*
**The fact that the protagonist is still entertaining such a nosey stranger is beyond me. He literally sits down to pay his condolences (protagonist doesn't even know him), is asking if Protagonist believes in God, and then asks for his last name. But of course there's absolutely nothing creepy or questionable about any of that because Sebastian is a main character.**
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