Was my love not good enough

chapter32

I’m feeling A-ok right now and by that I mean I don’t feel anything, which is way better than feeling sad. I guess that talk I had with honesty help me feel better after all. I won't know any happiness if I don't choose to take the high road and accept that this man is never going to give me the same love I give him. He will never listen. He will never appreciate me. I will always be waiting for love that I will never come to know if I continue placing my heart in the hands of this narcissist. I guess its true what they say.when a mother fucker say's and does everything he can to make sure your day and mood are both fucked. Driving wrecklessly, asking questions that he knows the answer to, blaming me for everything that is wrong with his life, telling me I never do anything he asks or  wants me to do, when in fact that is ALL I EVER DO. I'm always cornered. I'm bullied. He's gaslighting me. It's hell it's miserable. And I am ready to choose better for myself because nobody deserves to have to feel this way. I'm always violently angry because all this I'm going through is ENTIRELY unfair and untrue. He wants me to be miserable. And I am. He takes up ALL my time and energy, and I have no money, dependant on him, he leaves for hours with his friends all week and I'm left at home with barely any money at all. I gotta think of something I can do to make my own money. A few years ago he was fired from my his job because he was drinking on the job and was drunk. If that wasn't enough It was near Christmas, and I had nothing for gifts but the gifts I paid for which was 40 dollars for shoes and matching hats that I got for me and my husband, and he kept making me feel like I never contributed anything. So he would stealing from the store's and take stupid shit like beers and letters and locks and get me to return them so that he could have money.so I could have gifts for Christmas. So the next 3years he was taking my cloth's  that had tags on back and would get money for them, or pawn  something and I would have to pay to get it out again and again.it was like he could get the Jobs but carlos sucked at keeping a job.carlos always made me feel like a worthless pile of shit who did nothing to help... I decided I would attempt to work on my goals and dreams and write books to sell so I could make money, but a course he was never supportive but when the money started coming in a course he had his hand out cause  i was tired of hearing what a burden I am to support financially...  So I had to do something to make money. I sometimes felt like a worthless pile of shit. Without any one in the world to understand how painful the bullying sometimes was to take.I was fucking sick of getting bullied around phycologically. It was upsetting to be a slave to someone else's purpose and get zero acknowledgement or appreciation for any of my effort.