All I want (twenty one pilots fanfiction)

Chapter Nineteen

We arrived at a bench near the lake about 20 minutes later, it was honestly beautiful. Tyler sat down and invited me to sit next to him, his arm wrapped around my shoulder. "Why did I not know about these places? oh my gosh it's beautiful." I said. Tyler just chuckled back at me. "Whaaat?" I said, throwing my head back. "Nothing," Tyler smirked, "I'm just glad you like it. It's indeed beautiful." 

After a short but slightly -extremely- awkward silence, I decided to start about his music. "So, you remember that night we watched a movie and I fell asleep?" I asked. "Uhm, yeah, and I'm telling you, please stop apologizing." He said smiling. "Yeah, I know, sorry ..oh shit.." I said. As we were both chuckling, I continued "anyways, I woke up at like 3 or 4 AM and couldn't get back to sleep, so I listened to part of Regional at Best. From the first song until I think Kitchen Sink." 

"Oh, you fell asleep again?" Tyler joked. "...maybe..." I said quickly, at which Tyler laughed his cute laugh. "But, did you like what you heard?" He asked. "Yeah, I loved it. It really was amazing, you're a talented writer and you guys both are great musically and all that." I said, enthusiastically. "Why thank you, Jenna." He smiled. 

"Tyler, about... About Guns for Hands..." I stammered. He looked at me with a questioning face, so I just looked the other way and decided to just say it. Quickly. Like pulling of a bandaid. 

 “I listened to Guns for Hands and thought it was about cutting.” I rattled, letting out a sigh afterwards. From the corner of my eye I saw Tyler look at me. I didn’t look back, so he turned his gaze the other way, before returning it again.”Well, it kind of is about self harm, yeah…” He said in a small voice. I now looked at him, my head bowed down a bit. “do you…” I started asking. I looked at Tyler’s eyes, which had lost a bit of their usual glow when I looked into them, which had now been replaced by something like sadness. “I… I used to…” He stammered. We just looked at each other for a few moments. “oh… okay,” I said under my breath. “me too, you know.” I added slightly louder. My gaze had already shifted back toward the ground. And I honestly wasn’t really planning on returning it to Tyler’s, until I heard a silent sniffle coming from him. My eyes searched for his, but instead they just found two broken pools of sadness and pain. “Really?” He said, barely audible. I just nodded, and felt a tear fall down from my eye. Tyler pulled me in a little closer, now awkwardly sit-hugging me. But honestly, it did make me feel better, and probably was the only thing that could make me feel better right now.

“Why?” he asked, his voice cracking somewhere halfway the word. “I mean, if you want to talk about it..” He clearly didn’t like the subject, but I was so thankful for him asking, having someone who might actually understand it for a bit. “I haven’t really told many people… like only my friends back in Seattle, who couldn’t really help me because of the distance. I don’t even think my mom knew. Like, she knew I was having a rough time and she tried to help me, but I don’t think she knew how bad it was for me.” I said silently. “You don’t have to tell me… but, I want to be here for you, okay?” Tyler whispered near my ear. “Thanks, Tyler, but I think I want to tell you.” He nodded, telling me okay. “Okay, so I guess it all started when I moved here, like 5 years ago. I was 12, or 13, I think. I wasn’t excited when I first heard we were going to move, especially when I heard it would be Ohio. No offense, but a lot more happens in Seattle, you know. I had everything I wanted up there.” I said as Tyler nodded understandingly. “So anyways, we left in summer, so I had one year of middle school here. It wasn’t that bad, honestly, I didn’t have many friends but I hung out with some people and my grades were good, so yeah. I still talked to Paige, Scott and Olivia a lot, which I luckily still do, but I missed them like crazy. The year passed pretty quick, and then I went to high school. I dropped some of my middle school friends, some of them dropped me, some went to other schools, all that shit. So, a ‘new start’, as my mom liked to call it. I didn’t really talk to anyone the first few days or weeks, until I joined the basketball team. I had some girls on the team, and I kind of talked to them sometimes, but I didn’t really have classes with any of them, and during breaks they would also sit with their friends, so basically they were just team mates. After a while these two girls, Audrey and Zoey, started to talk to me a little more, and we hung out a bit. Which was nice, honestly. I wasn’t alone anymore, or at least… I didn’t look like a loner, because there were people sitting with me. But they were, and still are so different and I couldn’t even tell them half of how I was feeling because they wouldn’t understand.”

I checked if Tyler was still listening, and surprisingly, he was. I mean, not that I expected him to stop listening, but I feel like other people would have. He noticed my silence, and breathed a small “go on,” giving me a small reassuring smile.

“Anyway, I missed my old home like crazy. I just wanted to go back. The days got longer, classes got harder, and basketball was kind of my only escape from school, except hanging out with Audrey and Zoey sometimes. Also, whenever I was talking to someone in Seattle, I ended up crying because of how much I missed them. It just sucked so bad. I felt like I had no one here, literally no one. I am still thankful for Audrey and Zoey ‘being there for me’ but they just aren’t really there. I am just around them, and kind of felt like the third wheel. I mean, it’s probably my own fault, I am the weird one, but I now realized that I can’t help the fact that I am. I wish I knew back then.

If being alone wasn’t bad enough already, school stressed me out. I was drowned with information, homework and tests, and I just wasn’t working structured at all. My grades dropped, also there were these bitches in my class who kept picking on me,  making remarks and whatever, which I stupidly believed, and I fully blamed myself for everything that happened. I wasn’t able to play basketball as much as before, which actually was my only real escape from it all. So I guess instead, I took it out on myself, the stress and loneliness. Blamed myself, got depressed, and needed something to forget the pain. So my wrist was the first victim. I guess it did kind of work, I didn’t feel better, I just didn’t feel at all for a bit.

I tried that once, but then soon realized how my wrist wasn’t a good idea, since well, obviously I didn’t want anyone to know. I never wore bracelets or anything and my sleeves were always rolled up, so I figured it was better to keep it under my sleeve. I didn’t cut a lot, but I mean, it’s never good, no matter how little or much you do it.”

I realized I had tears rolling down my eyes and felt Tyler’s hand caressing my arm, sliding his hand up and down. I sighed deep.

“From my arms I moved to legs and my rib cage. Still not much, but I was just so afraid that people would find out. I wanted to stop, but I just couldn’t. I had tried, several times, but I don’t know. I just wasn’t strong enough, I guess. After a while, I decided that I wanted to tell someone. So I videochatted Scott, Paige and Olivia. It felt horrible, but so good to tell them. I didn’t like talking about it, but so much pressure fell off my shoulders, and they helped me as much as they could. Especially Scott. A day later he told me that he was struggling too, and he actually wanted to end it all… you know, life.. So we talked for hours, just trying to support each other. And I think that at least we realized that we weren’t alone in our struggles. I’m not sure why, but it made me feel so much better. It wasn’t over, but I gradually started realizing what was happening and how much I wanted to stop. School was still horrible, I was still feeling lonely when I didn’t talk to my friends in Seattle, I was probably still depressed, but I realized that no matter how crap my day was, the sun would still  rise the next day, no matter how cliché. I may change, people around me may change, but other things will stay consistent. The wind wouldn’t stop blowing, spring would still come after winter, even in Ohio, and sometimes it rains, but other times the sky will be clear as diamonds. I don’t know why, but I found hope and calmness in all that. One day I will feel  better, stronger, even if I feel miserable right now. That’s when I decided that I was in great need of something to distract me from my bad thoughts when I wanted to harm myself.

And it’s been hard, very very hard, it still is actually. But I’m coping. Whenever I feel like, you know, doing something, I just go for a hike or something. Not to think, but just to enjoy nature, listen to some music, whatever. Or I would draw something or play a game or just try to make myself laugh, talk about happy things to happy people. Anything to distract me. And I know that distraction is only temporary, but so is the relief of self harm, so I prefer to go with the first option.”

(A/N) sorry if this was depressing but i tried to make the ending positive and i really hope it worked. I love you all :) Please leave feedback or whatever if you feel like :) thanks for reading and everything :) [i know i use too many smileys i cant help it]