Paper Thin

• 104: Fine •

Melody

Monday came and I had barely slept. I had managed maybe two hours throughout the night. My head felt like a big ball of fog that was constantly throbbing. My eyes were tired, and I felt out of it. Still, I managed to drag on an oversized black turtleneck sweater, black skinny jeans, and little black boots.

I stopped at my bathroom door for a minute staring into it. Wondering if I could do it on my own. I put a foot inside, feeling the tile on my toes. I took a deep breath, trying to settle my heartrate. I concentrated on the sink and getting there. Once I stood in front of the sink, I focused on just breathing through brushing my teeth, through doing my makeup, through brushing my hair. I was so concentrated on breathing that I barely remembered doing everything else after leaving the bathroom.

I walked downstairs and pulled on my jacket, trying to push the anxiety down deep past the pit of my stomach. My hand twisted the door handle, pulling it open, letting the cold air hit my face.

Carson was waiting in his car for me and I walked out to him. The air seemed a little chillier and harder to take in, the closer I got to the car, and the idea of getting to school felt darker and darker.

"Hey," Carson said quietly. He was careful, watching me; I could see it on his face. But I was too tired to hide how tired I felt.

"Hi," I mumbled as I closed the car door behind me. I rested my head on the seat and stared out the windshield.

"Did you get any sleep?" Carson asked, knowing very well that 'how are you?' would have been a stupid question.

"A little," I settled on as he pulled out into the road. Sugar coating it was easier than worrying him.

"I brought you a vanilla latte. Probably not as good as the café but hopefully decent," he said, motioning to a travel mug in the cup holder.

"Thanks." I picked it up and held it between my hands and let the warmth seep into the skin of my palms.

Then there was quiet. The faint sound of the radio was in the background and the hum of the car engine was layered beneath it. As we drove closer towards the school, my chest felt tighter and tighter.

I wasn't ready to see him.

Why did I think coming to school today was a good idea?

I could see the school in the distance, and it felt like my head was floating a little. Like my body wasn't quite attached and like my knees were no longer there.

I wasn't ready to see him.

My breath was shaky as we neared the parking lot, and I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I glared out the window and tried to settle down. Carson pulled into a parking spot facing away from the school.

"Ready to go inside?"

"Mhm." I didn't meet his eyes as I mumbled it. I unbuckled my seat belt and opened my car door. A shiver ran through my body as the cold air hit me. I closed the car door behind me and joined Carson, who was waiting for me to walk inside.

I could feel my heart pounding in my throat as I stepped foot in the hallway. My ears were ringing slightly, and I kept my eyes glued to the floor. I could feel the gazes of people on me, but I couldn't bring my eyes up to confirm it.

We ran into Emma, Alani, and Harvey at my locker. They all looked as if they were ready to jump at me any second, so I mustered up a smile. I wasn't all too sure where it came from, but I wasn't ready for a swarm of questions.

"Hey guys!" I said. It wasn't cheery but it wasn't half as dreary as my greeting to Carson.

"Hey," Emma started, a bit thrown by my tone. "How are you doing?" she asked.