All American Boys

3. Tailbone Touchdown

All American Boys

Chapter 3: Tailbone Touchdown

I spent a good few minutes rubbing my semen out of my boxers, going at it with the clothes scrubber. I felt utterly disgusting. Once I was done, I stepped into the shower and blasted myself with the icy cold water. Whatever icky feelings I had, I wanted it out of my system. I lathered myself with soap -especially down there- hoping that I'd feel clean again. Drying myself with my towel, I dragged myself to the sink to brush my teeth.

I was tempted to go take another shower given how filthy I felt, but I just ignored that whimsical idea. I kept thinking about the dream and how it made me feel, as much as I didn't want to. Hayden -whom I had always looked up to – going down on me? Unthinkable. But at the same time, a part of me wanted it to be real.

Heaving a sigh, I slipped on a pair of stretchy chinos and pulled a light blue T-shirt over my head. They were the first things I noticed when I opened the closet, and naturally my hands reached for them without thinking. To finish my outfit, I grabbed my denim jacket that hung behind my door and headed downstairs. Clothes were the last thing on my mind.

It was six by the time I started making breakfast. Mom had messaged me, telling me that she was going to get hers on the way home, so I just needed to cook for myself. That was usually the case for the past few years on the days where mom worked the night shift. I'd get ready for school all by myself and left before mom even got home. By the time I returned, she was preparing to head out again. She doesn't have a night shift every day of the week of course, but it just seemed that way. Maybe it was just the emptiness on those days that she wasn't around that made it stand out to me. Either way, I didn't let it get to me. Going through the motions and ignoring the hollow empty echoes within this house was much more therapeutic than dwelling on it. The more I thought about it, the more painful it was. I didn't want to remember the painful months that followed, it was all over now, so why did I want to bring it back?

The kitchen was clean – no broken plates or shards of glass on the floor. I headed over to the window and made sure I gave a good tug on the handle. It was locked shut, why wouldn't it be? I had finally repaired the lock months ago. Hayden couldn't have possibly climbed in here last night. It was ridiculous.

I made myself some scrambled eggs while I plopped a few pieces of bread in the toaster. Pouring myself some coffee, I sat down at the dining table, facing the television. Just as always, I'd turn it on and watch the 6 o'clock news. It was something that dad had always done. I never really listened to whatever it said – there was nothing much on there anyway, just boring weather forecasts or some other mundane things. It was just something I did out of habit. Dad had always done it, every single day without fail. The lack of the sound of the newscaster talking only made the silence in the house more deafening.

We didn't talk about what happened to them anymore. At least not out loud. It had become like an unspoken rule for mom and I. Sometimes she'd make breakfast for four, ignoring the fact that the two other plates remained practically untouched.

Alicia was the glue that kept us together ever since Dad died. But now that she was gone, things just seemed to fall apart. My mother and I could go on for days without even saying a word to one another. It wasn't that we hated each other, it just naturally became that way. She just started ignoring me in her mourning, and I did the same.

The news that morning was mundane as usual. A tornado was spotted in – you guessed it – Tornado Alley. Another earthquake in some Pacific rim island country. Saudi Arabian succession crisis. The usual. I didn't care. What did it matter?

I was told that maybe I should talk to a therapist, that it would be much better for me that way. That such traumatic losses are better off out of my system. But mom and I agreed that we wouldn't be doing it. It was much too dangerous. It's not something that I could talk about with just anyone.