All American Boys

Author's Note and a Heartfelt Apology

TW// Sexual Assault

Hi everyone,

It's me. I've decided to sit and write this down as I feel like I do need to explain to all of you who have so eagerly waited and loved this book. I know many of you might have been waiting for so long for an update and throughout the whole of 2020 I've only managed to write one measly chapter. I would like to apologise. 

This book is very personal to me. I started writing this book back in my freshman year of university. I am currently in my third year, and a lot has changed. This book has undergone so many changes that it is unrecognisable from the original concept. Originally, I planned this book to have a heterosexual protagonist, but I was much more inclined to write about a non-straight main character and I think it worked out well. Also it made the romantic and erotic scenes much easier to write about since it was what I was familiar with.

Alex is not meant to be liked. He is egotistical, abusive and manipulative. I felt like I could write about him because previously I had been a victim of abuse and in a strange way, it was an outlet. It let me wear the shoes of someone who was not a victim. I am glad that many of you grew to despise him for what he is, and that is my intention - to create an interesting yet despicable character. Someone who has fallen off the deep end. In a sense all the characters in the book were parts of me, and I suppose it was me trying to reconstruct the parts of me that had been in pieces after such a traumatic event.

Unfortunately, about the time I started being inactive in my writing, I was sexually assaulted. And honestly it had made writing about Alex extremely difficult. It's been a year and I am still suffering from the fallout of the entire episode. I have had sought for help from various sources and thankfully I am doing much better now. However, there are still things that are still going through the due process and at times it has been exhausting and re-traumatising.

It was very difficult to write this book, and knowing the plot was just getting darker and darker made it even harder. And especially to write in the shoes of someone as terrible and abusive as Alex, it was difficult as it reminded me of certain memories that I would rather not remember. I promise one day I will return to this book, I have so many ideas and the ending is clear and I am very sure how I want this book to conclude.

Writing had always been a healing process for me. It had helped me get through some difficult periods in my life. I am very sorry that I am unable to work on this book that so many of you have been invested in.

I've still been writing occasionally, namely on my newer project, Monsieur Laurier. It's very personal as well because I wrote that to heal and the sadness, confusion and anger in that book is for the most part genuine on my part. It's partly based on a friendship I have lost and my experience spawned itself into a new book. It is the only thing reminding me that I still do enjoy writing and how it helps me heal. I don't mean to sound like I am plugging my new work, but it would mean the world to me if you'd take a look at it and tell me what you think.

I wouldn't be here without all your love and support. I am touched that so many of you enjoy my work, and I have never expected it to get so many views.

I am eternally grateful.

And to anyone out there who may be reading this who has experienced sexual assault, always remember that it is never your fault. It's a very difficult thing to go through but you're strong and you can overcome this. You may feel guilty at times, doubting yourself - trust me I know, but you have to keep reminding yourself that you do not deserve it. You deserve to be loved, cherished and to have healthy relationships. You deserve to be treated with kindness. You deserve to enjoy life.

Thank you

7th February 2021