Love Child... //Matty Healy (ON HOLD)

Chapter18-

Matty's p.o.v--

I try and close the door quietly. Hoping Gem will still be in bed, asleep. If I'm lucky. Then that gives me a bit more time to figure out how to do this "Matthew Healy. Is that you?" she shouts. I sigh, taking a deep breath, i head up the stairs to our place "where the hell have you been?" Gemma is up on here feet, heading my way before I've even had chance to close the living room door and faced her. I flinch at the noise level. My head is pounding. Plus its only just past six am. It's too early for this shit. Too soon. I don't have a believable excuse to say where i was last night. Plus i have to spring this baby shit on her now. I can't exactly add on 'oh yeah, the girl i knocked up? Well i crashed at hers. Not only at hers. But in her bed too' I can't see that going down well. Fuck, i can't see any of this going fucking well. It's too fucked up all this!

"well?" she waits for me to drop onto the sofa, standing right in front of me, hands on hips as she glares at Me, waiting for my excuse.

"i crashed at Ross's" i drop my head back onto the back of the sofa,letting out a yawn.

"oh yeah? I called Ross last night" she starts to shake her head at me. As though she knew lies were gonna come flying out my mouth

"i meant Hann's" i smile up at her. Because i know for sure she wouldn't know if i was there or not. Hann an Gem don't exactly get on... To put it nicely.

"you best not be lying to me!" she keeps a hand on her hip and points to me with her other.

Jesus just drop it already. How the hell am i supposed to bring all this mess up to her now? When she's already pissed off by me staying out. This is the whole reason i stayed out. Why i had a few drinks. Because drink usually helps in these situations. 'these situations' as though it's a common thing, me knocking up girls. Fuck! I don't know how to do this. Do i just come out with it now, while she's already fucked off with me? Or wait, wait till she's calmed down an I'm back in her good books, just for her to hate me even more?

"are you drunk?" she watches me.

I am actually "no" I waft her suspicion away "we need to talk" i keep my eyes away from her, patting the leather seat next to me on the sofa. Guess I'm doing it now.

"you stink. I can smell you from here. Take a shower, then we'll-"

"Gemma. Sit" i cut her off as she becomes panicked. As though she knows what I'm about to "talk about" is bad news. As though she's putting it off and doesn't wanna hear it.

"matt, please. I've had a shit couple of hours" i take a quick glance at her. She drops to the side of me. Dropping her head onto my chest, she begins to sob quietly. I don't know what to do at first. What to say. Whether to touch her. But she beats me to it. She brings her face back up, wiping the tears away with the back of her hand "Matt?" more tears start to roll down her face as she speaks. I wipe some of them away gently. Smiling at her to let her know, whatever it is, we'll get through it. She breathes in a big lung full of air, then closes her eyes before she speaks "i want to try for a baby" she whispers. I shuffle, clearly shocked and uncomfortable from her words "what?" i half laugh. Because if i don't laugh, i don't know what I'll do "babe" i shuffle again, how the hell do i say this without fucking hurting her? Fuck, why is she saying this? Does she?.. She can't know about Ellise. There's no way she could? "you know that's not possible" i fidgit about, from guilt. So much fucking guilt! "there's ways to do it" she smiles at me hopeful "but you and i both know it's not a hundred percent. Non of that shit is" she stares at me, watching as i speak. And whilst i speak, i watch her, slowly breaking to pieces as my words shatter her hopes and dreams "why have you changed your mind all of a sudden?" i ask her nervously. Trying to stop my voice from breaking, but failing. She shrugs, biting her lip as she stares down at her hands rested on her legs "when we were out shopping the other day. I-i saw you" she stutters, trying to calm herself down "you were watching those two boys playing football in the park" i stare at her, gob smacked. I wasn't even aware I'd done that. Did i? "you were watching them with so much awe. And love. As though, maybe you wanted that. A kid, to play football with. To teach guitar too?" she shrugs again before she brakes down in my arms "shhh" i try and soothe her. This is all bollocks! What the fuck am i supposed to do now "I'm so scared you'll leave me because i can't give you that. That one thing. The main thing i want to give you. What i should be able to" she breaks down again. Loud sobs falling from her mouth "oi" i put her at arms length "look at me. Look at me" i smile at her "don't you dare ever think I'd leave you over something so stupid. I love you. I'd never, ever leave you. For anything. You're everything i need" she doesn't say anything else. She just looks at me, with pain in her eyes as she falls on to my chest again.

I can't do this. I can't do this to Gemma. I can't tell her about this kid. I can't be there for this kid. It would kill her. I close my eyes, sighing heavily.

"how about a fresh start" i pull Gemma away from her sobbing "me you, somewhere new. And lets see what happens. We'll find out what options we have. If this is what you really want. If a baby is what will make you happy. Lets do it. But away from here. Just me and you. What you say?"

"really?" she looks up at me, smile planted across her face "you'd do that, for me?"

"you daft get" i pull her back into my arms "of course i would. I love you" i kiss the top of her head before pulling my phone out. I stare at the screen saver picture. The scan picture. Giving that a kiss too 'i love you too and I'm sorry' i stare down at it and keep repeating 'i love you too and I'm sorry" in my head. Trying to stop some of the guilt ripping me apart.