Love Child... //Matty Healy (ON HOLD)

Chapter 67-

Had 17+ thousand reads on this since I last updated. JESUS! Anyway, I'm back. Thanks for your patience!

I stare down at this small, fragile body in front of me. The more I look at her, the more surreal it feels. The more I watch her, the more panicked I become. Aware I haven't got a clue what I'm supposed to do now. Quickly realizing that it's just me and her now. And already knowing I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. I don't think I want to.

But what choice do I have? This is now my life, Jovi is. Just us. And I don't know how I feel about that. I don't know anything anymore. It doesn't matter how much I think, how many times I pray for someone to help me, for a miracle, to guide me through with what I should do, it seems I'm now alone.

And it petrifies me.

She begins making small, short, breathing noises. Turning her head slowly. And again, I feel like I'm being watched.

"What do you want from me?" I whisper harshly down at her. Feeling as though she already knows I'm going to fail her and let her down.

My head ache's constantly. I feel empty. My whole body is cold and hollow. My mind blurred with lies and fear. I can't think clearly. It's hard to do such a simple thing as in, breathe. It's like I can't take a big enough breath to function. To keep fighting. To survive. I'm exhausted and deflated. I have nothing in me to keep going. Everything hurts. My own mind is against me.

This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life. It's a new chapter. It's supposed to be exciting and thrilling. Here I am, now a mother. I have a life that dotes on me. That I'm responsible for. Yet all I'm thinking, is how much I hate mine. How much I'm ready to cave and give in.

I'm not giving up. Just giving in....

The longer I stand here, the louder the silence becomes.

The silence of the room now deafens me, now everyone has left. This small room now feeling enormous and eerie to me. I can now allow my feelings to show. My fears to surface. I can allow the pain to attack me, letting myself hurt.

I'm now left with nothing but my thoughts, and that's the scariest thing to me. Because I don't know what to do. I'm incapable of thinking clearly. I don't know what I should be feeling. I'm clueless to what I could do.

When I'm alone, I don't have to pretend to be happy. I don't have to plaster a smile on my face or force feelings that just aren't in me. No one can judge me when I'm on my own.

It feels like I'm drowning in my trail of thought, but I allow my mind to wonder and take me down, where I can escape here and now, because it's peaceful in the deep. I'm not tormented about reality. I can stay here in this world for a while, where I can live a pretend life. Where I'm not this person... This person I don't know anymore. Or like.

I guess this it now, for me? This is life? Faking happiness. Pretending to care. When inside I'm just... blank. Empty.

What is wrong with me? Why do I feel nothing?

.... I'm a monster!

The double doors slowly squeak open, causing my anxiety to come to a sudden halt. Having to plaster this fake persona on.

"Everything okay?" The nurse stands at the entrance, keeping the door open with her hand "You are allowed to hold her, Ellise,  she'll just be wanting some affection" She smiles at me, before coming in side, closing the door behind her.

Panicking me more.

Now the room feels too small with someone else in here.

And It's not until she walks in, that I notice she's crying. Screaming, even.

"What's all this noise about, aye?" The nurse coo's down at her before reaching in and picking her up herself. "Ellise?" She asks, gesturing for me to take her from her arms.

I blank again. My legs back up towards the door until I bump into it. "I gotta- I need some air" I point back before yanking the door open and running for it as though I'm starved of oxygen.

"I can't. I can't do this!" I repeatedly tell myself, breathless. My legs not stopping until I'm outside, at the entrance of the hospital.

The cold breeze whips me across the face. Forcing much needed air into my lungs rather than taking my breath away.

I turn on my feet, taking in my surroundings. The noise of outside, clogging my brain more. Becoming panicked. Claustrophobic. Feeling watched and judged. As though everyone knows how I'm feeling. They think I'm a demon.

"What?" I snap at an elderly couple that are sat on a bench a few feet away from me. Their focus not even on me until my outburst. 

"Are you okay, dear?" The woman asks, confused. Staring back at me. Now watching me intensely. 

"It's not my fault!" I shout back. Almost certain I can hear people around me, talking about me. Gossiping about how much of a bad parent I am. That I don't deserve her. She's better off without me.

"I already know!" I answer them. Circling around again, frantic..... But there's no one else out here. But the voices keep going. The judging. The torment. 

"What do you want?" 

"Why are you doing this to me?".... I keep my focus up above. 

"Take her!" I scream. Knowing that's what's going to happen. 

I'm suddenly grabbed gently by the arm. The shock, frightening me, causing me to stumble back and fall onto the cold pavement, "Lets' get you inside, love" The woman bends to help me back to my feet.

But I don't move. I'm not moving. No one can be trusted. Everyone's against me.

Because no one understands.

I stare up at her. Convinced it's her taunting me as her eyes lock onto mine, nodding at me with a sympathetic smile. Encouraging me to listen to her. To do as she says "Are you on your own?" She asks, calmly. Almost in a patronizing tone.

But I know. I know she's trying to trick me. Acting as though she cares. Like everyone else.

I stare down at her hands, still wrapped around my upper arm. Almost certain I can feel her applying more pressure. Trying to scare me.

"Get off me!" I shout, keeping my focus there. Fearing she's going to try and physically hurt me if I don't do as she says "Don't touch me!" 

She backs away quickly. Keeping her eyes on me. Her facial expression dropping suddenly. Like she's just realized something. Or seen something...

"Alright, sweet heart" She holds her hands up, playing innocent. "I'm just going to sit here. Right here" She points to the floor at her feet. Keeping space between us. She lowers herself slowly to sit, before turning her head to the man she was with. "Go get some help, John" She orders in a hushed voice. But I heard. I'm not stupid. And I'm not deaf.

I knew it! It's all an act. She's going to get someone else to hurt me too. To gang up on me.

"Leave me alone!" I scream, scrambling to my feet and bolting for it, away from here. Away from everyone.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / 

I've like, massively changed direction to where this story was initially going to go. But I want to focus and go into some of the darker, harder things, that some women face when just having had a baby. I think it's important for people to know and understand, pregnancy and giving birth/being a new mum, isn't always about happy times. It's not always straight forward. Some women face a real struggle. So, you kind of get the idea of where this is going now. It's a touchy topic, so, I guess this is your warning.

Thanks for your patience with the story.