Love Child... //Matty Healy (ON HOLD)

Chapter 52-

Have you ever gotten to a point in your life, where you've hit rock bottom? And then you think, that's it. I can't possibly drop any lower. This has to be the end. Surely It's going to stop now? But your life just constantly crashes down, all around you. Again and again. And there's not a thing you can do to stop it. You just.... fall, over and over. You're clueless how to make it better. You don't know how it can be fixed. It's out of your hands. The pieces are too shattered, too small to stick back together. So you're just waiting for the next thing. The next time. Bracing yourself for anything and everything.

People tell you, things like this in life, it only makes you stronger. Each time you fall, you get straight back up. And you have to just keep going. But what happens when you've hit the stage of exhaustion. When there's nothing left in you to keep pushing forwards. There's no foundation to build back up from each fall. You're basically so far down... You're now in hell.

You realize you're now powerless. And the strength of the pain becomes too much. It's unbearable. Your mind is constantly playing games on you, reminding you of what life used to be like. And your heart takes the torture of that. Each memory causes your heart to drop with a painful thud. It chips away at the last of the hope you're clinging on to. Knowing the only thing that would help, that would make it better, is a miracle. But we all know miracles don't happen. Do they even exist?

Then you get to that point where you think... fuck it. It's just not do-able anymore. It's too painful to care. To think about.

So you switch your mind off. You stop thinking about what's right. Because why do what's right, when everything in your life keeps going wrong? Nothing in your life is good anymore.

But the second that thought plays in your mind. The moment you switch off, trying to look for an escape, trying to stop yourself caring and just aiming to find a break from the torture... You go and do the worst thing imaginable.

So the hurt crashes back on to you. Harder. Faster. Bringing even more emotions to deal and live with. More pain. More torture.

The force of what you've done... It hits you. The impact crashes into you. It flips you upside down, and then knocks you off of your feet. You realize you can't just make the all the feelings and the pain disappear. You only make it worse. Stronger. Impossible.

I jump up from the sofa. Guilt attacking me with forceful punches and hits to the chest. I search frantically for my clothes. Seeing Gemma just laid there, watching and smiling up at me. Pleased and satisfied. Leaving me mortified. Feeling like i could throw up any second as the sight of her and the memories stab into my mind.

"What you doing?" She sits herself up slightly on her elbows. Finishing her question with an irritating giggle.

Is she for real? I can't stand to be here for a second longer.

What the fuck have i done?

"Leaving" I tell her, keeping my attention down as i button up my jeans.

My t shirt? Where is it? I grab the pillows and cushions from around her, to her amusement as she makes no effort to help me. I throw them across the room, frantic. My hands now visibly shaking as the anger is quickly boiling my blood.