Love Child... //Matty Healy (ON HOLD)

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Okay, so....

Possibly everyone who's read this (the last couple of chapters) will know that I haven't been well for a while now.

I lost the man who I basically looked at as a dad - a few months ago... That tipped me over the edge. And I don't think, personally, that I'll ever get past that. I'll openly hold my hands up and say I've had a drink/drug habit recently (which has gone on for a while now. Started when I was 15 - But got quite bad recently. So... a while yeah) And I've regretted it for a while now. But It's hard...

But I got to a point a couple of weeks ago, I was the lowest I've ever felt. I'd basically had enough. I hated who I was. The things I was doing and the way I was even thinking. I knew I had to do something about it. So I've been and had tests and assessments done with various people.

And with my previous history of "depression" I now have a diagnosis. Just the other day I got diagnosed with bipolar.

It sucks ass. And I know some people in my life now look at me // and see me differently (I'm praying I won't be judged on here) I've kinda always known there was something, other than depression going on with me. But I never thought it'd be this. But it's cool. Bipolar isn't what you are, it's just something you have.

So I guess I'm just explaining really so you all understand why I've been off lately. I don't want to lose people's interest on the story. I can only write when I'm in the right frame of mind and in the mood to basically. I've been all over a'lately. One minute I'm ready to relax and write, wanting time alone. The next I'm making a hundred plans to go out because I'm too active and hyper to be alone. --  But I promise you this story will get finished!

Also, I want people to know that if you have any inkling that there's something going on with you, but you can't quite put your finger on it, or if you maybe think there could be something going on with your mental health. No matter how minor it is. Please go talk to someone. I've put it off for so long now. And just put it down to depression, from being told continuously that's what it was from the beginning. There's a massive difference from just feeling depressed and bipolar disorder. Your moods change and shift dramatically. Even if people don't notice it. Just go ask questions for pieces of mind. I think I knew really it was something else. One minute I was wanting to be alone, lashing out, becoming angry at everyone. Doing nothing but sleep. Then straight after I'd be feeling the happiest I'd ever been. Needing people around me. Barely sleeping on a night because I was feeling too energetic and erratic/hyper. I even lost my job because of it. And got myself in a little money trouble. My friends used to joke saying, "you're bipolar, you" And whether they were joking or not.. they picked up on something from my behaviour, and helped me. It can be dangerous if you ignore it. In both the mania and depression stages.  Don't ever ignore how you feel.

I'm also here if anyone ever needed a chat. Just inbox me on here or on twitter (twitters on my profile) :) --- And I apologise if non of that makes much sense. I've been awake for over 24 hours now. Zzzz!

I'm not going to promise an update tonight. Because I doubt it'll get done. Give me a few days, you beautiful lot. I love you all!

Emilee xXx