Still Dawn: The Saga Continues

chapter 46, choices

"Yes Mom" I hissed at her "later being the operative word!"  

"Now Nessie, enough of the attitude please" she said, reaching over to touch my back, I moved further away from her. Not wanting her to touch me right now, "They're worried" she sighed  

"Well tell them to stop worrying!" I yelled "I'm fine! I just realised that I never have and never will fit in with this family!"  

"Nessie, that is not true" my Mom, said after a moment, she looked truly hurt by my word's, and I felt a second of guilt, before remembering that what I was saying is the truth, I wasn't the same and I never could be. Jake flickered into my mind once more, a shape shifter and a hybrid. We had to be make the oddest couple in the history of relationship's.

 Jake deserved better than someone like me, someone who couldn't give him anything except time. Part of me wished he would go home to La Push, meet another girl and move on with his life, grow old, have a family. The other part of me of course, the selfish part, never wanted him to leave my side. I knew I'd never be remotely happy without my Jake. But he deserved so much better.  

"It is true" I whispered into my pillow after a moment's silence,  

"Nessie, you are my daughter, you will never not be a part of me" she sighed "and you will alway's be a part of this family" she added as I slowly turned to look at her.  

"I'm so confused Mom" I sighed, moving over the bed slightly to get closer to her  

"I know sweetheart" she soothed, laying down beside me on the bed and gently pulling me across to lay on her chest. "But we're all here to help you"  

"You can't help me Mom, the only one who can help me is Jake. But he's made it clear he wont" I sobbed into her chest.  

"I'm working on that" Mom sighed, stroking my hair gently.  

"What do you mean?" I asked, sitting upright in bed to look at her.  

"Well," she began, taking a big breath. I could tell by the look on her face that she didn't like what was coming next, she looked like she was in pain "I have asked Carlisle to have a little chat with.."  

"BELLA CULLEN!" I heard Jake yell cutting my Mom off, she looked at me and tried to smile,  

"Jake" she finished as the bedroom door flew open and he stormed in,

"Bella! Can I talk to you?" he asked "NOW!"  

"Jacob, anything you have to say can be said in front of Renesmee" she sighed, still rubbing my back gently.  

"How could you?" he spat at her  

"I had to do something Jake. I can't bear seeing Ness like this"  

"So you want me to kill her?" he raged. Mom looked down at the floor and sighed heavily, I could tell she was upset. Part of me felt guilty for causing so much upset within the house. But the other part of me said that I had every right to feel the way I was. "Did she tell you?" Jacob asked me when Mom still hadn't responded to his last question.  

"Tell me what?" I asked, was this what my Mom was about to tell me?  

"No. I was about to when you stormed in and started throwing your weight around like King Kong!" Mom hissed at him  

"Tell me what?" I asked again.  

"She wants me to get you pregnant!" Jake seethed, glaring at my Mom.  

"Mom?" I asked confused  

"Nessie sweetheart, I didn't actually say that. What I said was, that I think, if, when the time is right you still feel this way then I think you and Jacob should at least try!" I watched as my Mom told me the word's I had been longing to hear from Jake and I could feel my eye's begin to sting with fresh tear's,  

"See" Jacob hissed "you've upset her again!"  

"No" I defended "No, she hasn't!"  

"You're crying Ness!" he half laughed  

"Because I'm happy" I sighed, wiping a few stray tear's from my face "I never thought anyone would understand how I was feeling, but Mom seem's to, to some extent anyway" I eventually choked out.  

"What?" he asked confused "You mean you agree with her?"  

"Yes" I nodded "I do, I mean, I'm not saying now. But it's killing me knowing I'll never have the opportunity to at least try"  

"Ness" he said, shaking his head "I don't understand, why didn't you tell me?"  

"I tried!" I insisted, "but before I could say anything you told me how adamant you were on never putting me at risk" I shrugged "I didn't want this to happen!" I added, gesturing at him.  

"You've got to understand Ness" Jake sighed sitting on the bed with me and Mom, "I love you, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ever hurt you"  

"I love you too Jake, and I had never thought about having children before" I admitted looking down at the bed, "but what with Henry being here and, well, you know" I shrugged slightly "It's got me realising how much I want that chance" I looked over at my Mom who was looking very awkward sitting there in the middle of this conversation,  

"I should probably go" she sighed. I nodded at her and she got up and walked toward's the door,  

"Mom?" I called after her "Thank's" I added, smiling slightly as she walked out the room.

Would me and Jake be able to sort thing's out now he knew how I felt? Come to an understanding at least? I really hoped so, I hated the way thing's had been between us, but not as much as I hated the awful, gut wrenching loneliness and ill-worth feeling I had growing inside me.