Forbidden Pleasures

[45.]

1 month later

Time really flies when you're busy putting your broken pieces back together. It's been a struggle to get through some days sometimes. I was lonely and I missed everyone, but I know that this is the part of healing and I knew it was going to hurt at first.

I managed to get myself a new job. It's not much and they only took me because they needed someone urgently. It's at the bar near my place so I can walk there. I thought it'd take me longer to find something new, but I found it literally within a week after I moved into my new flat.

That kept me busy, but not for long. And now I'm stuck in the same routine and coated in eternal darkness, or so it seems. Working gets my mind off so I'm always up to take some extra hours, but it's still not enough. As soon as I come back home, I'm alone with my thoughts.

I busy myself with sleeping. I found it helps. Sometimes, I sleep for 12 hours together and still wake up tired. I'm in a constant state of sadness. Some days it's really bad and sometimes it almost feels okay, but it's all a lie because it always comes back.

Being heartbroken is really tiring.

I don't eat much. I either sleep too much and I skip meals or when I make myself eat something, I can't eat much, a few bites and I'm full. I lost weight again, I think I've lost all that I gained when I lived at the mansion. I don't really care about it.

I avoid mirrors because I can't bear to look at myself. It depresses me. I don't like my reflection staring back at me. Adrian made me so self-conscious, even though that might've not been his intention. I knew I could never be good enough for a man like him and I still decided to chase him.

There's a guy I met at the bar. He's a regular customer and he seems quite nice. A good looking also, but not on Adrian's level, of course. He asked me out two times already and I hated to say no, but I had to. It's too soon and I'm not ready to meet new people right now, especially men. I'm at a vulnerable place right now and I don't want to hurt any more people.

I think people I'm working with noticed that I'm not really there to make new friends. I'm so numb, I just want to get through the day alive. That literally became my only goal. I didn't think it would be this bad. I didn't know how deep my feelings for Adrian went. Well, now I do. I just wish I didn't have to find that out in such a way.

I still have a few months until I go back to college to finish my degree, so I have some time to put myself back together, but on the other hand, I'd love if I'd have something to put my mind off everything and something that would distract me. Right now, I have too much time on my hand and I don't know what to do with it, because, frankly, I don't have any energy to pick up a hobby.

On Thursday afternoon at work, it happens that I see someone entirely too similar to Adrian. It's only a glimpse of the back of his head. He's even wearing a suit. And it's only a second before I'm pushed back to where I started. I know he couldn't be here because he doesn't know where I work and there's no way he'd ever come into a bar like this on his own.

My mind knows it was someone else, but it still reminded me of him.

"Hey! You dumb bitch!"

I spilled a drink on someone. I wasn't even aware of my movements or what I was doing. I was in the middle of pouring the woman a glass of wine and I forgot to stop, apparently.

"I'm ... so sorry," I apologise hastily, still in a trance.

I put the bottle on the counter with a loud thud, grabbing a wipe. The woman, who's here with her friend, stands up and looks down at the mess I made. "Yeah, you better be. You spilled your cheap wine all over my new dress and my Louboutins. Fuck."