Adrian is avoiding me.
He doesn't come home at lunchtime and for dinner, he usually requests Milena to bring it into his bedroom. Yes, I am no longer in charge of taking care of his meals. I think it's pretty obvious he doesn't even want to see me, let alone have to do anything else with me.
I've been in hell these past days. In hell I created. I don't blame Adrian for not wanting to do anything else with me. I don't even hate him, nor do I wish I could. More than anything, I hate myself for destroying something that I now found out, had a potential to grow into something more.
I feel sick into my stomach all the time. I can't sleep and when I do, I have nightmares. I cry a lot. Especially at the night. I have a strong urge to cry during the day sometimes, too, but I just busy myself enough and try to think literally about anything else until that urge passes.
It's hard. I feel like someone put a bullet through my chest and I'm now waking up and going to sleep with a hole in it. I'm so empty and even numb sometimes. Heartbreaks suck, yes, but breaking your own heart? It's hard because I can't blame anyone else but me. I can't be angry with anyone else but me. It's all me. I did this to myself.
And I can't do anything to fix what I destroyed.
Milena knows something's wrong, but she stopped asking me about it when she saw I don't want to talk about it. I think Adrian told her. They spend a lot of time together now. I have a feeling they talk a lot. Milena is a like a mother to us all, after all. And I'm happy that she's looking out for him and is supporting him. I don't know how much this thing affected him because I don't know the depth of his feelings for me, but, if not anything else, he must be shocked and feeling betrayed.
I know I would if I were in his place.
I go on with work every day. I'm afraid to screw up because I have a feeling that Adrian would let me go now and wouldn't cut me any slack anymore as he did all this time. But, on the other hand, I kind of want to get myself in trouble because that would mean Adrian would talk to me. Or would Mrs Welch be the one to fire me?
I chase these thoughts out of my mind. I can't think about that right now. I can't stay without a job, too. Although I'm afraid how I'll even be able to work in Adrian's presence when he's so blatantly ignoring me and especially when I know how it is to be close to him ... I crave him too much to nonchalantly pretend like it's okay.
It's not okay. It hurts. I felt like he always gave me so little of him, but now that I get absolutely nothing, I'm realising how much he actually gave me. His time, his attention, all his smiles, all the words he said to me ... it now feels like I took everything for granted.
I just feel so ... empty. He robbed me of everything at once. I don't even see him anymore. And, Díos, I miss him so much. So damn much. I'm aching. My heart literally hurts. I swear I felt it how it broke and it's breaking even further, with every day that goes by and I lose even more hope that he's going to forgive me.
It hurts so damn much that I know he's somewhere in the house, doing God knows what, and I can't go see him. He's so near, yet so far away. I lost the privilege to see and talk to him. And, yes, it was a privilege. One I'm not getting back.
I rub my chest with my hand, in hopes I could ease the pain I feel inside. It's not helping.
Milena returns down with a frown on her face and I look at the tray, the plates still almost full, meaning Adrian didn't eat much. A painful sound escapes my mouth and Milena looks at me, her eyes so sad for me. Or Adrian. Or both.
I put a hand over my mouth to muffle the sob. I can't hold the tears back now.
"Cassie –" Milena says softly.
YOU ARE READING
ʻʻWhat's forbidden is always the sweetest.ʼʼ This is a story where you're going to hate him. You might even hate her. The two people who are doing something very wrong in other people's eyes, but to them it's the most right thing they've ever done...