Forbidden Pleasures

[42.]

A week passes and things don't change – at all. Milena has been helping me looking for a new place to stay at. I won't tell her where I'm going, though. Because when I go, I don't want anyone to find me.

I'm now even more convinced that I have to leave than before. I understand now. I didn't before, but I do now. I understand why Adrian said my job would be safe and that all the previous housekeepers left on their own. They probably fell in love with him as well and he did this.

I don't know what's going on in his mind, but I can't stay here anymore. If he decided it's over ... I can't do this. I don't even know how I could be so foolish to even think this could work out between us, no matter in which direction things would lead us.

I complicated my life more than I should. Having an affair with a married man has never been on my 'to-do list', but here I am, being heartbroken because I expected and wanted too much.

Affairs aren't for romantic people like me. We fall in love too easily, we get expectations too high and read their signs completely wrong.

Maybe it was my fault this time and I messed it up and maybe it was even a wake-up call for me that I can't continue this. I can't continue living like this. I don't want to be a dirty secret anymore. And I don't want to be in a place where I'm not accepted anymore.

I saved a lot of money working here and I know I can get myself some decent place and find another job until I'm ready to go back to college to finish the last year that I have left.

I haven't seen Adrian since that night. I haven't even seen Mrs Welch much. I think Adrian was very serious with that divorce, but I don't know what that means for him. I know he didn't marry Mrs Welch out of love, but more like an obligation, which actually sounds so medival it would be funny in any other situation. I didn't know these things are still happening.

I make some calls, asking about the new places. I decided to stay in London, but I don't want to be in the centre anymore. Close enough so it's convenient for me studying here, but far enough from here. I don't want any chances to run into these people anymore.

I know I'll miss them all, even Mrs Welch – despite her being nothing but a stuck-up bitch most of the time. I'll miss Milena. She's like a mother I've never had and she made living here easier for me. I'll even miss Roswald, although I haven't seen that much of him, only occasionally.

And Adrian ... I'll leave a part of my soul here when I'll leave. Adrian has grown very close to my heart and I fell deep and hard for him, with no holding back at all, even though I didn't want this to happen. It was impossible not to.

But despite everything that happened, we could never be. There are too many things standing between us and we're both just too different for each other.

I don't know if Adrian took it seriously that I'm going to go. I didn't specify when, but I plan on stopping by his office today to tell him. I dread that moment. I've been preparing myself for it, but it's still hard. It's hard to leave it all behind, but I know it's what I have to do. I can't keep hoping and wishing for something that I'll never have.

I want to focus on finishing college, anyway. I can't afford any distractions.