Dodged a bullet •jkxbts•

°Genophobia pt2°

I leaned in to reconnect our lips, roughly moving my lips against his our tongues colliding.

"So good baby bo- baby."

I felt my heart drop and that feeling linger in my heart, that feeling of pain and memories.

I was quick to push that away again and continue to kiss him but he pulled away.

He cupped my face and looked at me seriously.

"Are you sure baby?" He said

I felt something in me, yelling at me to stop here and that's all I could do.

"Y-yes."

He started to kiss my neck mumbling sweat nothing's between the kisses well telling me it's okay and he loves me.

I suddenly  arched my back when his hands came in contact with my hard member again.

He pulled away and grabbed the lube he had previously set near us.

He made deep eye contact and waited for me to nod before sliding down my underwear and then his leaving us both completely naked.

My heart started to beat fast, really fast, I felt my breaths increase.

'you have to fight through it, you love him you idiot you will enjoy it just do it.' I told myself feeling I had to endure the pain of letting him touch me so I can finally be healed.

Right?

This is how I heal?

Even if it doesn't feel right?

"Okay baby are you sur-"

"Yes hyung." I was quick to say ignoring the alarms going off in my head.

He took the lube and rubbed them over his fingers and brought his finger to the rim of my hole causing me to release a small whimper as I felt my mind already rejecting anything down there.

But I once again ignored it.

"Ready baby its gonna feel weird." Namjoon hyung said but I didn't even look I JUST screwed my eyes shut and nodded my head mentally yelling at myself for being so fucking pathetic.

It took everything in my not to scream at him to stop when I felt his finger enter my hole.

I felt a tear fall from my closed eyes, I was quick to hid my face in the bed to  cover my tears so he wouldn't see how pathetic i was.

His finger pushed in and out of my hole, it felt so foreign and wrong.

It felt like there was not pleasure but only painful memories.

Yet my body responded, enjoying it but my thoughts and memories were tearing me apart.

He added another finger well saying something I couldn't hear over my thoughts and memories .

He started to open his two Fingers spreading me and the last time I felt this it wasn't a good feeling.

I hated this.

I hated me.

Why did my body react so good but my mind reacted so bad.

I mentally yelled at him to stop.

But I never did.

I realised another whimper, not from physical pain but from mental pain.

"Are you okay baby?"

I nodded my head as he pulled his fingers out causing me to let out a sigh of relief.

I opened my eyes and watched as he applied lube to his rock hard member and looked down smiling before bending down and kissing my lips lovingly and slightly pulling away so our faces where still inches away.

"Ready my lovely baby? I promise I won't hurt you if it's to much please let me know."

"Ready baby boy?"

"NOO P-P-PLEASE N-"

Before I could even finish he had ignored my response and slamed into me.

"ARGGG n--n-noo s-STOP HURT! HURTS! NOO AHH" I screamed as he simply ignored the unexplainable amount of pain I was feeling.

I nodded  to my hyung and I hid my face again and closed my eyes to stop the tears from falling.

I ignored the part of me yelling 'no' like I had the first time, even though I knew my hyung would stop if I asked.

I had to heal.

"Here we go baby." I hear Namjoon say as i feel the lump in my throat become unbearable.

I feel his tip press against my hole and that's when I lose it.

I feel what I felt all those weeks back.

Expect Namjoon was still waiting for my response he hadn't done anything yet.

But I felt his member twitch against my hole and that's when I felt the scream pulling my lips apart.

"Baby you ready?"

"NOOO! STOP! nooo hyung nooo p-please n-noo." I yell quiting towards the end.

I feel Namjoon hyung quickly pull away and get off from on top of me.

I start to let out all the cries i was holding in from the past few minutes,  I shouldn't have  let the pain well up, all of it releasing as I choked over my sobs and curled up in a ball and started to shake remembering how it felt like I had been torn apart.

"Baby baby are you okay, w-what happened I'm so sorry."

I just shook my head and rolled over so I was pressed against his side and hugged him well realising heart wrenching sobs.

I feel Namjoon hyung pull away from my hug and hop off the bed and grab my pair of joggers and run over to me pulling me into his arms and pulling the pants over me well pulling on his own pair.

He brought me back in his arms and cradled me.

"Shhh baby it's okay."

"I-i-im s-so s-sorry h-h-hyung it's no-not you y-you did n-n-nothing wrong-" I cut myself off with more sobs.

"... I-its me!" I scream and start crying again.

"No baby it's okay shhhh it's not your fault, you tried and it's okay that you can't there's nothing wrong with that." Namjoon hyung said peppering kisses all over my face and hugging me tightly.

I felt so bad and embarrassed, I left him hard and made him stop when I asked for this.

"H-hyung w-w-why can't I l-let you l-love me w-when I l-love you so m-much?" I say between hiccups and cries.

"It's okay kookie, your just not over what happened, it's nothing abnormal, just breath and calm down its okay." He said well cradling me, even though he was saying all these sweet thing I could feel the disappointment in his voice.

"I l-love you hyung ... I love you s-so much, I just w-wanna be able t-to be loved too!" I choked out digging my face in Namjoons bare chest.

"I do love you baby so so so much and making love isn't all that's important in a relationship there's so much more and I'm always willing to wait, because your worth that Jungkook." He said pressing a long kiss onto my forehead.

My sobs lower to the occasional hiccup, I started to feel my eyes get heavy and my breaths even out, as my hyung never lossend grip comforting me into a deep sleep.

Before I fell asleep with thoughts of regret and fear of losing the ones I love because of my fears.

But I heard something well I was half asleep that made me give a weak smile.

"I'll always wait for you baby."

Oof don't kill me

Sorry

I hate this too

Luv y'all tho🖤❤️🖤lol I'm being such a petty bitch rn I'm throwing a fit bc my camp counselor won't let me walk to the coffee shop\__°^°__/

-t.e.c.