Every Reason I loved her

Chapter 34

      Whoever said it's better to have loved once than not at all was a liar. This hurts, this hurts more than I can explain, more than I ever thought I could feel. Lana made me feel the good stuff. I don't know how to feel this much bad.

Everything about it hurts, the emptiness of the house I can't afford without her. The absence of her teas in the morning and throughout the day. I have too much time now, too much time to think. I don't want this much time to think, I don't want to think about her or feel like this. I just don't want anything... anything but her. I want her.

I feel insane as I run out of our... my apartment, trying to get away from the memories tormenting me. Her voice embedded in the wall, her pillows sitting on the bed untouched, her blanket still strewn across the bed because she was going to fold it back when we got home, but she never got back home.

"That wasn't fair, Lana." I try to swallow the tears in the back of my throat. "You can't just do this to someone." It doesn't take me long to start panting. I don't focus on cardio. I write. I wait tables, I love Lana. I don't do much.

"You can't make me love you like that and then just..." I lean against a building to catch my breath. "Just leave." I keep running "you can't just leave like that!" I scream, people are looking, the sky is full of sun and blue skies and it feels like a traitor because it moved on so quickly. The wind bites at my face and the traitors sky stares down at me as I run. I don't know where to go or what to do or how to move on. how do you move on without your soul?

My legs knew better than me because here I am. At the park where Lana sang and danced and she made others dance just because they saw how much fun she was having. I stand there, at the empty park. It's too cold for kids. Lana would still come out and we'd walk and then we'd go home and she'd put tea on.

I want her to sing to me right now and I want her to make me dance in the middle of the park and not care if anyone thinks we're crazy. So, I do something I haven't had to do since my mom died. I ignore reality. I go into a story. One with Lana.

"Hey, Theo." Lana's smile is as radiant as ever, I take her in my arms and she pulls me along. Her steps are as uncoordinated as ever but she feels warm against the cold. I rest my head on top of hers and she holds me.

"Sing to me." I say as we circle alone in the park with the winter wind nipping at us. Lana is bundled up in her orange jacket and her green sweater. I bet she's wearing her jeans lined with the fleece and her smaller brimmed fedora.

Her voice fills my ears and everything inside me aches.

"What song is this?" I hold her tighter against me trying to draw strength from her.

"Winter by Joshua Radin." She buries her face into my neck, her hand sliding up into my hair.

"you sing this one a lot." I say. she nods into my neck.

"I love you, Theo." She holds me tighter. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, Lana." I squeeze her "please don't leave me again."

"Don't hide from life, Theo." She says "don't forget to live, please, Theo, please don't forget to live."

"I can't do it without you though." My eyes sting.

"Yes you can." She says "you can, I was just one chapter in your life, this isn't the end of your book."

"I can't." I say again "I can't live without you I don't know how to."