Every Reason I loved her

Chapter 31

I stand over her casket, she's still beautiful but she's not smiling at me like she does, she's not laughing and she's not looking off into space. Her mind isn't wandering. I glance back at the room. I don't want to do this. I don't want to stand up there and looks at everyone that loves Lana and I don't want to go up there and say goodbye.

"Theo." Shaina prompts. I shake my head,

"This is not good time for stage fright." Shaina nudges me forward

"I can't." I tell her "I can't go up there and do this."

"You can." She insists, "you can do it for Lana."

"I can't." I hiss at her. she stops pushing me and looks me in the eye.

"Theo..." she trails off because, what is there to say?

"I can't go up there as if I'm never going to see her again and say good bye because that... that's too final... that'll be it and I..." I try to swallow the lump in my throat "I can't say goodbye to her."

"Oh Theo." Shaina pulls me into a hug, squeezing me with all the strength I know is in her.

"It's going to be okay."

"Don't tell him that, Shaina." Alex snaps at her.

"Alex." She frowns at him.

"No, don't Alex me." he barks at her "it's not okay, this isn't okay, Shaina and you know it." He turns to me "and you, Lana deserves a goodbye and you're not going to get another chance to do it, so get up there and give her what you know she'd want..." he trails off as his anger dies away "god knows she spent her life giving other people what they wanted." He sinks back into the wall and crosses his arms. He seems really focused on the stain hidden behind the vase.

Somehow my legs move me up to the little podium stand. I unfold the paper with scribbles and creases all over it, it's not finished. I'm not organized. I'm not good at making things look nice like Lana is.

I look out at the crowd, at Owen and his mom and then at the croissant in my hand.

"I'd say good afternoon." I begin, "but it's not good... it's really bad actually, the worst thing that could have ever happen." I swallow hard.

"I've never written a eulogy before, I just kind of spoke at my mom's funeral so, I guess I'll do it here too." I clear my throat and place my hands on the stand.

"Lana is the most amazing person that I have ever met." I expected more tears, more wailing from me. "she has this way of looking at everything as if it were special and when she looks at you, she makes you feel special." I try to swallow the lump in my throat "if she smiles at you, and she smiles at everyone she makes eye contact with." I choke on my own words "she always has a minute to spare for someone else, just to smile-er to say hi." I shake my head, Lana feels like this impossible character, preserved in the pages of my mind.

"She was too good." I say, "she let others destroy her because she didn't want to give up on people that had given up on themselves and that had given up on her years before." I look directly at her mom "she doesn't deserve that," I shake my head at them and watch their eyes drop

"Lana is the kind of person that you just want to be around all the time because she makes you feel so good about yourself, the kind of person that makes you want to be a better person." I look at my hands for a moment "the kind of person that just makes you a better person by standing next to you." I lick my lips and try to swallow this lump in my throat.

"I've never met someone who loves life so much, someone who appreciates every tiny thing that happens to her." My eye instinctively look for Lana, smiling in the crowd. "never gets angry at the people she loves because she'd rather spend the time working things out." I struggle to breathe past the ever-growing lump in my throat.

I stare out at the crowd of people who love Lana; her old friend from first grade with the wild black curls, she wore her hair that way today because that's how Lana loved it most like that. A friend she met at the bridal shop she used to work at, she's got purple and pink streaks through her brown hair. She brought Lana's favorite book, Peter Pan, she hasn't stopped hugging it the whole time.

I get why Lana spaced out so much now, she wasn't spacing out at all. She was admiring the things around her, taking in every detail, appreciating what she had instead of longing for things she didn't.

"Lana is—was..." I try to get the rest of the words out, the weight of all the crowds eyes sitting on me. I'm a writer, I should have something more profound to say, especially about a person like Lana. Lana deserves an epic speech, a much better send off. Instead, I say the one thing I want to tell her, the only thing I want her to know.

"I love her." I say, clear and loud and I think everyone is thinking the same thing because I don't need some profound, epic statement. Lana is simple and real.

The room dissolves into tears, I want to cry too but all I can do is stand here. Finally, my legs give out and I am on the floor at the head of a room in tears. Her mother and brother in the corner, tears and puffy eyes too bad they didn't treat her better when they had the chance I feel no sympathy for them. They lost Lana a while ago, they had time to realize what they had and when they came back, they just made her feel bad for taking care of herself.

"Hey." Alex joins me on the floor, no one dared to bring a drink. Lana experienced every second of her life with a clear head, her joy was purely hers.

"Hey." I take a breath and all I can think of is the way Lana would breathe her stress away and smile through everything.

"Hey." Shaina sits on my other side and wraps her arms around me,

"Hey." I say again.

I love the way Lana breathes I think as Shaina and Alex sit on either side of me and watch the room fall apart without Lana.

I love the way her heart beats

"I love her." I say out loud because I want her to hear it.

"I know man." Alex throws his arm over my shoulders and pulls me against his side.

"I love her." I say again

"She loved you so much." Shaina sobs, squeezing me with all the strength in her arms. I don't want to hear that. That is the last thing I want to hear. I shake my head without realizing it.

"I love her." I say again "I love her... I love her... I love her..." my breath hitches in my chest and my words freeze in my mouth.

"I—I..." why does this hurt so much? "I loved her." the tears finally come and I can't figure out how to stop them.

"I Loved her!" I yell at the room? At the sky? At God? "I loved her!" I yell again.

"I know man." Alex seems to be at a loss for words too, fresh tears staining his face.

"I loved her..."