Thorn Year (가시연) (ENG)

(여우의 요람 ) Fox's Cradle: Sequel - CHAPTER 6

It started from the dreams. Somehow I could feel that the nerves in my brain were thinning and tightening, and I begun to have frequent bouts of fever too. Its almost like, if I pressed down on them, they won't even bounce back. I'm the weakest that I've been, ever. And bringing the child back home just took my health for another round of beating. I'm only strong because he's here for me. And with my ageing looks, I grew even more miserable despite his reassurances. My heart has caught a cold, and it's been down for a long time. But I refuse to go to the hospital, because stepping into that place would confirm the fact that I was ill.

Living with an insomniac must have taken a toll on his sleep as well. Seeing how I couldn't even stomach a proper meal, he tried to persuade me to go to the hospital. Hearing his words just made me curl up in fright like a hedgehog, hiding under my blanket with my hands over my ears as I gritted my teeth. No. Not that place.

"What do you want... Jaejoong ah, be good."

"I want to sleep... Give me sleeping pills, anything, Yunho ah..." "No, I won't"

I tried begging him a few times but he firmly refused. He probably knows my weak stomach probably can't take any more pills, especially not when I haven't eaten anything in days. He knows me better than I know myself, so he won't give in so easily. I'd grown so tired, even of breathing, that I eventually fell asleep. He held me close to him so that I could sleep for a little while more, giving me the world that I'd thought of as my own.

I hate having to close my eyes. It makes me afraid, that maybe I'll never find a way out of that sea of fire. The thing that's torturing me isn't her mother, and not her either. It's as if something dark had found its way into my heart, writhing within me and killing me slowly.

People call this 'guilt', an emotional debt. Perhaps my conscience has finally tired of not caring about whether things were right or wrong, and now it's starting to reflect upon my actions. I'm in pain, and this pain makes what I felt when Yunho didn't come for me in the hospital seem like nothing. I wanted to return to that Kim Jaejoong, the person who could kill someone and still hope for a happy ending. But it's too late. Ever since I first stepped into this house with Yunho... My guilt has been haunting me, pushing me into the endless pits of hell.

I slept for a long time. When I woke up, I found an intravenous drip sticking out of my wrist. Since I refused to go near a hospital, he'd asked to hospital to send a doctor here instead. The moment he saw that I was awake, Yunho immediately gave the doctor a call, asking him to rush back to our house to check on me.

"Please.... Take this... Out..."

He couldn't comprehend my disjointed, slurry speech, and continued to inject all sorts of medicines into me. I could feel my heart writhing in turmoil. If it were not for Yunho's arms, I would have had a really violent reaction, because after a while I was retching and vomiting stomach acid. Both Yunho and the doctor were stunned by my reaction, and the doctor quickly tried to explain that it was because I was allergic to some of the medicine used. No, you're wrong.... I don't want anything... If it's not Yunho.

I didn't even have enough strength to sit, but I still wanted to have sex with him. I wanted to do it with him all night, while sipping wine and taking that occasional puff from the cigarette between his fingers. Somehow I had the feeling that if I didn't do it now, I would never ever have a chance to do it with him again. I desperately stretched out my hands to Yunho, my fingers trembling in the air. Ah.... I really do look like a patient...

He walked towards me but he didn't pull me into his arms because at that moment, the child walked in. I wonder what she was thinking then, when she caught the scent of our decades-old disease? Her expression seemed complicated as she stared at me.