Pretty Please Don't Pinch Me

67. Gone

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When I wake, I am still facing away from him; only I don't feel his body warmth on my bare skin. I don't hear his breathing, or the steady rise and fall of his chest against the duvet. I don't need to turn around to know he won't be there. I don't want to look. It's bad enough feeling him gone.

I delicately place my feet on the icy hardwood floors, and make my way throughout the house. It is clear that I am here alone in his house, and there is no note that I can see to explain his whereabouts. No messages on my phone either. Only from Scarlett apologising for missing my call, and to see if I was okay. I close her message screen without replying.

I'll do so later.

I feel like shit. Not only am I heartbroken, but also hung over. I would withstand this nauseous feeling a million times over though if it meant I could wake up and know that he would always be there. I want to feel refreshed and not a walking reminder of last night, but am hesitant to do so as I still feel him on my skin. I can smell his scent in my hair, and want to hold on to it as long as I can.

I fold the blanket back up onto the couch I had not slept in last night, and gather the rest of my things that are scattered throughout his home. I remake the bed that we had slept together in for the last time. I almost leave and find his lyrics notepad on his nightstand in the form of stacked books. I flick through the pages and see one that was dated a matter of days ago titled "Want You To Be There."

I choose not to read it. I would only be torturing myself by doing so. I instead take a pen from my bag, and start to write. Surprised how smoothly my thoughts and honest feelings are flowing onto the page.

"Harry,

You are the most beautiful thing that has ever happened in my life. I want you to know that you are truly the best person I know, and I regret not telling you more often.

I know it's too late, but I regret not telling you a lot of things. Like how I secretly love when you annoy me, the way you instinctively know the places I love to be kissed most, and the way that everything with you is so effortless. But mostly I love the way that you looked at me. Like I was something you had been looking for, but you didn't exactly know how to interpret me – like you couldn't figure me out, and that I was something special to you. I will never forget that look.

I don't want you to feel any form of responsibility in how things played out. I see why things have turned out they way that they did. I understand now where things went wrong. I think it was the fact that I was scared. I was scared of my feelings towards you and running was the only way to avoid what I thought to be true. I was naïve, and I didn't know how to be a woman instead of a confused girl, and I will be eternally sorry for the pain I have inflicted upon you.

I have learned so much from you, and with you. I only wish that we could have had more time to learn from each other. I would have become a better person...

I want you to know that I only wish the best for you. I hope you find true happiness, and that the hurt becomes a distant feeling to you. You are the most generous, loving, human being that I have had the pleasure to meet, and I will always carry a piece of you in my heart 'til my dying days. You were my first boyfriend, my first time, and my first love. For that, I am eternally grateful and appreciate your tenderness and patience. I want you to know that my feelings for you are genuine. I could never have picked a more perfect boyfriend, and am sorry to see how things have turned out. But mostly, I want you to know that I love you, and that I always will love you.