My Own Personal Hell

Chapter Three: Zombie Hitler... Yup.

The world fazes around me like a flash of light then, just as sudden, pitch blackness. Then there it is.

Earth.

I honestly hate this place.

I lived here for like 46 years or so, and it completely sucked. I mean, how do you guys do it, you know? You just keep on living like nothings wrong. When actually, everything's wrong, like, all the time.

Take this for instance. A millionaire has a son. His son will grow up in a world that's given to him on a silver platter, and he won't have a problem in the world because of it.

Now listen to this. African children still don't have food. On top of that, AIDS!

Do you think the rich kid has aids?!

I mean maybe. But he has the money to get it fixed!

Can AIDS be fixed?

Anyway, is it fair? No. That's my point. It's all a big joke.

But at the same time, I do see the beauty of it. Like, I get it, this place has some experiences that you can't really get anywhere else. And that's fine, But knowing how sucky the afterlife is... Man! I want my money back.

Jason appears in front of me looking directly into my eyes. This freaks me out a bit so I fall backward landing on a glass table of all things, shattering it.

I'd feel bad for breaking Jason's table, if there weren't now tons of glass shards up my rectum.

"Holy crap! That feels worse than burning alive!" I scream.

Jason grabs my arm and pulls me up. "Been there, done that. No it doesn't."

"When did you burn alive." I say pulling a large piece of glass out of my backside.

"Long story. Here come look at this. " Jason pulls me towards his television.

I yank my arm out of his grasp and look at him. Jason's a complete country boy. He wears a black cowboy hat constantly over his long blond hair. To match that, he wears a black Jacket and black jeans covering up his beautiful cowboy boots that I've been jealous of for years. His face is covered in a beard and mustache that are way to long and obviously need a trim. Yet he's oddly attractive. Man, if only I was a little gayer.

I look over to the TV.

"Well. There he is, the tiny stashed man himself." I say.

And I'm right. There's Hitler, third reich-ing up the place, like he didn't blow his brains out 70 something years ago. It's a little unnerving actually.

"So like... how..?" I say confused

"Not sure really. They've been broadcasting all morning. The humans are super shocked."

"The humans?" A woman's voice says behind us. "Jason sweety, when you talk like that, it make me feel inadequate."

"Sorry hunny." Jason calls back to her.

"Damen? Can I get you a drink or something?" She asks.

"Uh yeah, sure Akicha. Maybe a beer." A beer Damen? You know part of your eternal punishment is that beer lights your head on fire.

I'm not kidding, that happens.

Akicha is Jason's wife by the way, and no, she's not a demon like the rest of us. She's a living breathing disgusting human. It's not her fault, but like, if she could do me a favor and die already, that'd be great.

She's around 32 by human years, but she doesn't look it. Her red hair hangs in a ponytail behind her head, like she's about to go do something. She wears a green t-shirt with a plaid hang over, and sweatpants. And for some reason... She has a beer belly. What?

"One beer comin' up." She smiles. And heads to the kitchen.

I wait for her to get out of ear range then turn to Jason.

"Dude, she's getting fat." I say with a worried expression.

"Moron, she's pregnant." Jason punches me in the arm.

"Pregnant? With like, a baby?" I'm amazed.

"That's normally how it works,

yes." Jason tries to ignore me.

"But like, how?" I squint.

"I know you're old bro, but like, please tell me you still remember where babies come from." he shakes his head.

"Well yes jerk, that's not what I mean." I punch him. "Your a freakin' demon. How is this possible?"

"I'm not sure Damen. But I know one thing, it's happening, and that's good enough for me." He says with a smile.

He looks like a proud father. I remember when I had that look...

"Here you go Damen." Akicha walks back into the room and hands me the beer which I gently set on the table.

"Thank you Akicha." I look up at Jason. "Ok buddy, what's the plan with Hitler here?"

"Well, I'd say attack, but I think we should do some digging first." He nods toward me.

There's a pause.

"Is that my cue or..?"

"Yes, that's your cue Damen. Go see what you can find out down south." Jason says.

"Okidoky!" I snap my fingers and appear back in my lonely apartment.

Ok, so, what's the best way to find out who's in charge of releasing souls back to earth? Probably the check-in for hell. He'd probably know a whole lot.

Just then my door buzzes.

I jump at the sound. Then I walk over to it and open it up. Light fills my dark empty apartment.

"Hi Damen Black." A seductive voice hits my ears.

"H-hi Rose."

"Can we talk privately for a moment?" She smiles and caresses my ear.

I hate when people try to get into my metaphorical pants... freaking prostitutes.