Because I Love You

Why Am I Afraid?

Magnus was too busy petting Chairman Meow to notice Alec's presence in the room. He'd spent next to no time with his beautiful white cat and they were both taking the chance whilst they could. He tickled Chairman Meow behind his left ear, just how he liked it. The cat was constantly purring and pressing closer to Magnus' hand, urging him to keep it up. Alec quietly crept out of the room and into his and Magnus' bedroom. He flopped onto the bed and curled up. He looked at the ring that Magnus had given to him on New Year's Day. Not once had he taken it off and he didn't think he ever would. It meant too much to him. Alec remembered the dream that he'd had and a smile spread across his face.

"One day." Alec said to the empty room. Pulling his shirt up and over his head, Alec spread out on the bed and relaxed. He never got the full bed to himself so it was a nice feeling to be able to stretch his limbs. His head throbbed from Ally's crying so he folded his arms and covered his eyes with them. Before he could stop himself, he drifted off to sleep.

The next thing he knew, something was trailing up his stomach and to his chest. It tickled and he couldn't stop himself from shuddering. Moving only one arm, he caught hold of the culprit and stopped it's path.

"Magnus, I was sleeping then." Alec mumbled.

"I know." He said before placing a kiss on Alec's bare chest.

"Stop." Alec said as he pushed on Magnus' head. Instead of backing off, Magnus waited until Alec dropped his hand back to his side and then kissed his chest again.

"Maybe I don't want to stop." He said before he kissed him once more. Alec rolled over onto his front and folded his arms under his head. Magnus put his hands on Alec's shoulders and gave him a massage. "You're so tense baby." Alec quickly relaxed under Magnus' touch.

"Have you done this before?" Magnus smiled.

"Maybe." Magnus was sure that if Alec's eyes were open, he'd have rolled them at that last comment. Magnus massaged Alec's neck, shoulders and upper back for a while and when he thought that Alec had gone back to sleep he stopped. Alec opened his eyes and rolled onto his side.

"I think I'm gonna have a shower." He said sleepily. "You wanna join me?"

"I think you're tired and don't realise what you're saying." Magnus said.

"I know exactly what I'm saying. Me. You. Shower. Now." Magnus' eyes widened and then a cheeky smile spread across his face.

"As you wish my handsome fiancé." Magnus said with a playful bow. Alec sat up on the bed and tugged at Magnus' shirt, trying to get it up over his head. He struggled when it got stuck on the warlock's chin but a touch of help from Magnus made it possible for Alec to pull his shirt free. He tossed the shirt aside and then Magnus pulled him to his feet. Magnus was a fair bit taller than Alec but it didn't bother him. Alec smiled up at his fiancé and hooked his thumbs into the rim of his jeans. Magnus caught his hands and walked backwards with him into the bathroom. Alec removed his thumbs from Magnus' jeans and pushed the bathroom door closed and locked it behind him. He wasn't up for any interruptions from Jace, or worse his parents. Magnus turned on the shower to a setting that they could both handle and then put his hands on Alec's hips.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Magnus asked. He had to be certain that Alec was comfortable with it. Alec nodded as he pushed Magnus' hands down to the rim of his jeans. They were loose so it wouldn't take much for Magnus to get them off.

"I'm sure." Alec replied. "More sure than I've ever been." Under his gentle touch, Magnus could feel that Alec was shaking. He definitely wasn't cold so Magnus almost instantly knew that he was afraid.

"You're shaking. You're scared. Baby we don't have to do this if you aren't ready. I won't force you, I won't pressure you. You have to do this in your own time." Alec met his eyes and then buried his head against his chest.

"What if I'm never ready?" Alec asked quietly.

"Then it's okay. I understand." Magnus said as he rested his chin on Alec's head.

"Is there something wrong with me?"

"No baby. Nothing is wrong with you. You're perfect in every way."

"Then why can't I do this? Why am I afraid?" Magnus could hear the desperation to know in his voice.

"Because you don't know what to do. You've never done it before, you like to be in control. But you don't know how to be and that's okay. I can help you. But only if you want me to. It's completely your choice." Alec wasn't the type of person to ask for help and Magnus knew that well. They stood in silence for a while, just listening to the beating of the water on the floor of the shower. Alec could feel Magnus' heartbeat on his forehead. Magnus had moved his hands from the rim of Alec's jeans to his upper back where he was more comfortable with the contact.

"Help me..." Alec whispered quieter than Magnus could hear. It wasn't until Alec lifted his head that Magnus realised that he'd said something.

"What?" He questioned, feeling rude for not hearing him.

"Help me..." Alec pleaded. "I don't want to be afraid anymore." Magnus nodded and turned the shower off.

"We'll do this in our room. Okay? And if you want to stop then don't be afraid to tell me." Alec nodded and watched as Magnus unlocked the door. He then let Magnus take his hand and lead him into their room. Magnus dropped his hand and lay down on their bed before focusing his eyes on Alec. Alec was nervously standing by the bed, playing with his fingers. It was an action that Magnus found cute and he struggled to suppress a smile.

"Okay Alec." Magnus began as he propped himself using some pillows. He was going to start Alec off slowly instead of throwing him in at the deep end. "First, undo my jeans."