Because I Love You

It's My Fault

A few weeks after the party, Alec and Magnus were sat at home with the other Shadowhunters and Simon. They had pushed a lot of the furniture to one side and were sat in a wide circle, with Ally and Dmitri in the centre. Dmitri was being unusually quiet and stuck very close to Alec and Magnus. Even going so far as to crawling into one of his dad's laps. His wings were still out as he hadn't managed to put them away yet.

On one of the times when he crawled into Alec's lap, he stood up and clung tightly onto Alec's shirt. He couldn't walk just yet, but Alec didn't think it would be long before he would be toddling around the apartment after Ally. Dmitri looked around at the other people in the room. When Simon pulled a face at him, he quickly turned his head and buried it into Alec's chest.
"Is he depressed or something?" Simon asked. Alec quickly glared at him but a stern look from Isabelle made him bite back any comment he could've made.
"No." Magnus said simply. "He's just shy." Magnus reached over and picked Dmitri up. Dmitri instantly grabbed onto Alec.
"Magnus let go." Alec said softly. Magnus put Dmitri down and watched as Alec cuddled him gently. As if noticing that Magnus was a little upset, Ally toddled over and cuddled him. Alec looked over and smiled.
"They're so cute." Isabelle thought aloud and Alec could tell that she wanted a baby one day. Simon reached over and held Isabelle's hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.
"Why don't you go give aunty Isabelle a cuddle?" Magnus whispered to Ally. Looking up at Magnus and then over at Isabelle, Ally moved away from Magnus and toddled over to Isabelle. Isabelle looked surprised when Ally made it over to her and fell in her lap. Ally looked up and giggled at her. As if afraid to touch her, Isabelle didn't move. "Isabelle, you won't hurt her." Magnus said. When Isabelle still didn't move, Ally pouted and crawled back to Magnus, knowing that he'd cuddle her if no-one else would. Scooping her up, Magnus held her close to his chest. Ally turned her head against him, hiding her face. He knew she was trying not to cry.
"I upset her..." Isabelle said quietly. Suddenly, she got to her feet and ran from the room. In an instant, Alec was chasing after her with Dmitri bouncing in his arms.
"Isabelle!" He called after her. Grabbing her wrist, Alec pulled her back. "Stop."
"Alec just let me go."
"No. You're my little sister. You know you can talk to me. What's wrong?" When she didn't answer, Alec sighed. "Izzy..."
"I'm fine. Okay? I don't need your help. Now let me go." Alec let go of her, but only to get Dmitri's hands off his shirt. Then he put Dmitri in Isabelle's arms. She froze. Dmitri screamed and reached desperately for Alec.
"Shh, it's okay buddy. Daddy's right here. This is your aunty." Alec soothed.
"Alec please take him..." Isabelle's voice shook slightly.
"I know you want a child. I know it's... Difficult for you because of what Simon is. But if Magnus and I can have kids, then you can too."

Isabelle couldn't move, she'd still not gotten over Max and blamed herself for his death. She didn't want to be the cause of another child's death.
"I do want kids... But... But..."
"You still blame yourself for Max." Isabelle nodded. "His death wasn't your fault Izzy. You know that."
"No I don't Alec! It's my fault! I was supposed to protect him, he was our brother! I let him down... I let everyone down... And now our brother is dead!" Dmitri cried in Isabelle's arms. Alec took him gently and sat him on his hip.
"Calm down baby boy. Izzy it wasn't your fault. It was Sebastian's. You didn't kill him. So it wasn't your fault. You were knocked out by Sebastian, there was nothing you could've done." Alec could feel himself tearing up but forced himself to stay strong for Isabelle. She looked like she was about to burst into tears.
"I should've listened to him... Believed him about what he saw Sebastian doing..."
"We all should've Izzy. We all shrugged it off as though it were nothing. He's dead because of all of us. Because we didn't listen."
"I miss him so much Alec..."
"I miss him too. But there's nothing we can do but remember him. Cherish his memory." At that, Isabelle burst out crying. Alec put an arm around her and held her.
"I want him back!" She cried against Alec's chest.
"I know. I do too."

For a short time, Isabelle stood crying against Alec's chest. Dmitri had fallen silent on Alec's hip. Taking a deep breath, Isabelle turned from Alec and rubbed her eyes before she turned back to him.
"Thank you Alec. I needed that. I couldn't keep holding it in all the time." Alec smiled lovingly at his younger sister.
"You know you can always talk to me. No matter what."
"I know. And I swear, if you ever tell anyone that I cried, I'll kill you." Alec laughed.
"Oh I know." Isabelle smiled. Alec looked down at Dmitri. "Do you want to hold him?" Isabelle hesitated, but nodded. Alec carefully put Dmitri in her arms and once more, Dmitri screamed and reached for Alec. This time, Isabelle cradled him gently and rocked him.
"Hey Dmitri. I'm Isabelle, I'm your aunty." She smiled at him.