Winter Day || kth ❄

Chapter 9: Save Me

Friday, April 21st. 7:15 AM. 16°C

Tae's POV

I woke up with a horrible headache. I thought I would've been used to it by then, but I wasn't. 

"Let's go Tae, we have interviews to attend to," Namjoon said annoyed. 

I grunted, "I'll join you for breakfast, go without me." 

Namjoon just rolled his eyes and left. I sighed. I got up and put one of the hotel bathrobes, took a cigarette out of my bag and made my way to the balcony. 

I lit it up and took a drag. Man, it felt good. Puff after puff after puff. I wasn't sure if I was feeling better or worse. 

The balcony's door suddenly flung open and Namjoon looked at me, disappointment written all over his face. I took a puff and exhaled on his face. 

He took the bud off my hand and threw it down to the ground. He stumped on it and kicked it down the balcony. Sort of expected. 

"What  the hell, man!" Namjoon yelled. He looked beyond furious

"You know that's actually dangerous it could've fallen on someone's face or caused a fire," I smirked, amused. 

"This isn't you," Namjoon said, "all the partying, the smoking, the hooking up all the time and drinking until you pass out. Next thing I know you're probably going to start doing drugs or something. That's not the Tae we know and love." 

"Leave me alone," I said staring at the ground. 

"No, I'm done with that," Namjoon said, "you're going through stuff and you don't want to talk about it with us, fine. But talk about it with someone. You're ruining yourself, you're killing yourself."

"I'm fine, no need to worry about me," I said annoyed. 

"Do you have any idea of how many excuses I've had to make for you since this tour started?" he was upset now, "Tae's cardio has gone down, he looks exhausted, is he actually drunk? Get a grip, man this is serious."

I was surprised it had been that noticeable. 

I sighed. "I'll get a grip," I said. 

"Okay," he said unconvinced, "now let's go get breakfast, it's getting late." 

"You might want to throw out the bottle of wine under the bed," I said. 

"For fuck's sake, Tae," he said reaching for it. he sighed, "I guess this is a start. "

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I felt empty. 

I felt alone. 

I was surrounded by people all the time and I felt so alone. 

It wasn't about Mi. No, it wasn't all because of her. I had decided to not interfere with Jimin and Mi's relationship because I wanted them to be happy. Both of their happiness meant much more to me than my own. Of course, I was jealous, I was crazy jealous. I never thought I could ever reach that level of jealousy, I couldn't even look at them when they were together. But for their sake, I never showed it, or I tried to not show it. I started drinking then, it felt like a way to forget my heartbreak and forget that it made me miserable to see them so happy together. But that was not all. 

A few weeks after they started dating, I learnt that one of my childhood friends had committed suicide. He was so young. I felt so helpless. I couldn't help him and it hurt me so bad to think that I never saw the signs. I was in so much pain, it felt like my heart couldn't take it. So I drank and drank until I passed out. It soon became a habit, a way of forgetting all the pain I was feeling, all the darkness that I was seeing. It passed the time, but I got addicted and I knew it. Soon it wasn't just drinking, it wasn't enough to numb the pain, it became hookups too. I wanted to feel something. And then I wanted to destroy myself, and I started smoking. 

Nothing made me happy. And I didn't know how to get out of this cycle of destruction. 

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We did four interviews that day and I was exhausted. I barely talked in them since my English wasn't very good, but it was still exhausting. I hopped in the shower to relax. 

When I got out, everyone was in the room that I shared with Namjoon. I sighed. 

"This is an intervention isn't it," I said. 

"We're worried Tae," Jungkook said, "you've been distant lately and we want to help you."

"Please tell us, what's wrong?" Hoseok said, putting an arm around me, clearly concerned. 

"Can I at least get dressed?" I asked. 

"I mean, it's nothing we haven't seen already," Yoongi said. 

I laughed, "please get out." 

They all left, it was just Namjoon and me. 

"You called for an intervention, it isn't needed though," I said while putting on a shirt. 

Namjoon sighed, "remember when Yoongi struggled with depression and anxiety? We were all there to help him, we were there for him. I know it's hard to talk about it, but I want to help you. Let me help you." 

I sighed. I was feeling very nervous, but I knew that I couldn't avoid it for any longer. 

And for the first time in months, I talked. I cried. I was practically shouting through my tears. 

Namjoon held me tight and patted my head, "poor boy, I can't believe you were going through all of this alone. You have us, Tae. You have us forever, we are family. We're not going to leave you. You are so selfless, always choosing others before you. But Tae, you have to take care of yourself. Be happy. Your happiness, your smile, your laughter, it makes us all happy. We love and adore your randomness, you can always make us all laugh. We'll help you through this. Together we can walk through fire and storm. We've done it before." 

I was shedding tears, "I just- everything hurts Namjoon" 

"I know," he said, still patting my head as I cried on his shoulder, "you need to tell her how you feel."

My eyes widened and I looked at him through my tears, "but this is not about her-"

"I know," Namjoon said, "but there are some things that you can get closure for. And you need closure for this. You'll suffer until you know that she doesn't want you." 

I nodded. It made sense. 

"But Jimin-" I started. 

"Jimin would understand that it's for your sake," he said, "and if their relationship is that strong it won't do anything to him. You just want to be rejected to move on." 

"But if it isn't I could never forgive myself for breaking them up," I said truthfully. 

Jimin was happy, I couldn't come in between that. 

"I love Jimin," Namjoon said with a smile, "but you called me at 3 AM on one of the coldest nights of the year, if not the coldest, to tell me you met a beautiful girl. You talked about her as if you had met the love of your life. You won't get closure until you tell her what you feel for her. I'm sure Jimin will understand when the time comes." 

I smiled, "thanks, I really feel better." 

"If there is anything you can always talk to me," he said, "you can talk to all of us, we're here for you. Now and always." 

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AN: I have actually written a lot of chapter for this story so I will try to update more frequently. There's something about final exams that makes me want to write more hahah #ripmygrades #somebodyhelpme.