An amateur zombie film

Scene 18 - Mister Maths Teacher

Group are hiding behind a conviently placed bush, watching a group of zombie-like people.

Patrick: Are they zombies?

Carl: Suprisingly not. They’re fan-girls. Except they seem to have an even lower IQ than most fan-girls.

Mel: Is that even possible?

Jamie: I don’t think so...

Carter: It’s an abnomally...

Mary: Don’t you mean anomaly?

Carter: No, I mean abnomally.

Carl: but abnomally isn’t a word...

Carter: It is so!

Mel: abnomally isn’t a word.

Carter: OH, that’s just bloody fantabulous!

Carl: Hey guys, look! There’s a guy out there, walking towards the fan-girls.

Mel: What the hell?

Mary: What is he wearing??

Jack: He looks like a maths teacher...

Mister Maths Teacher: Algebra!

Fan-girls: All scream in agony.

Mister Maths Teacher: a2+b2=c2. Always stand on the right side of the c. Why? (starts singing) because I do like to be beside the c-side.

Fan-girls: Aaaargh! He’s making gad jokes.

Jamie: He’s awful!

Jack: He’s a maths teacher!

Mary: He’s winning! Look, they’re dying!

Carl: I never knew maths could do so much.

Jamie: I don’t think it’s maths. I think it’s him.

Carter: His boringness is killing me

Jack: It’s killing them too.

Mister Maths Teacher: (turns to the group, his beady eyes focusing on them.) You there! I see you, stop hiding! Tuck in that shirt!

Jack: We need to do something.

Jamie: I think we should kill him. We can’t have people like him terrorising the world.

Mister Maths Teacher: Do your maths homework! Just because we’re in the middle of a zombie apocalypse does NOT mean you can fail maths!

Mary: But how?

Mister Maths Teacher: Stop talking! Do your work!

Carl: Maths sucks!

Mister Maths Teacher: AAARGH!!!! (randomly starts bleeding)

Jamie:I think that’s the way! I think we have to disobey him and bag out maths!

Carter: I draw on tables!

Mister Maths Teacher: Nooo! Clean it up!

Jack: I got 42% on my last maths exam!

Mister Maths Teacher: Algebra! Find the value of x!

Mary: (algebra notes hit Mary) I’m hit!

Carl: Mary!

Mary: Keep going! We can’t stop

Mister Maths Teacher: Nooooo! (starts bleeding in more places, before spontaneously combusting)

Jack: Mary! You’re hurt!

Mary: It’s ok Jack, I’ll be fine.

Patrick: I think the Maths Teacher hurt her.

Carl: What?! It’s ok Mary, we’ll get help!

Mary: (stepping in front of Jack) Jack?

Jack: Yes?

Mary: I just want you to know how I feel about you.

Jack: How do you feel about me?

Carl: What about me?

Mary: You’re a great friend Carl.

Patrick: Ooh, friendzoned!

Jack: Mary? What about me?

Mary: Jack, if you turned into a zombie, and tried to kill me, I’d trap you in a cage and feed you body parts until the cure was discovered.

Jack: Oh, wow, Mary. If you turned into a zombie, I’d –

Mary: (eagerly) Yes?

Jack: I’d shoot you. You’d be holier than Jesus.

Mary: Oh.

Jack: I still don’t know what you mean by all this.

Mary: Oh Jack, isn’t it obvious?

Jack: No, not at all.

Mary: I’m in love with you!

Carl: (in a fit of rage) Noooooooooooooooooooooo! (shoots Mary) If I can’t have her, no one can!

Mary falls into Jack’s arms.

Mary: Jack, do you love me back?

Jack: I, well, I, I’m in love with Brittany Spears!

All stare in horror.

Patrick: (shrugging) Well, I guess she is pretty hot.

Mary: Oh... (her eyes close slowly, and she turns her head away. Jack lowers her to the ground, before turning to Carl)

Jack:dude. You messed up. Big time.

Carl: whispering Mary...

Jamie: Wow. This is intense.

Jack: Carl, we can’t have a jealous rage monster on the team, unless he can turn into a big green monster like the hulk. I’m sorry. You have to go.

Carl: What?!

Jack shoots Carl, and Carl falls to the ground next to Mary, the couple dying an ugly death.

Patrick: You know, people dying makes me hungry.

Jack: Me too...Let’s find some brown bread and honey.

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Not quite what the suggestions were like, but I took the ideas AureliaBalonhoffen gave me, and then altered them, and I'm going to take the other ideas she gave me and use them in the film. :)