Am I still Invisible?

Chapter 13- From Romantic Comedies to Horror

I stood there shocked. Did I hear that correctly?

I though back to the evening I just had with Seth. It was great and I had to admit that I had a good time with him. He made me laugh. He didn't pressure me to do anything I didn't want to. He was a decent person.

What I don't understand is why in those moments I thought about Ryan. Playing soccer with him and him catching me. The time I cried on his shoulder. The kiss...both of them. Screaming at him. Why is it in every memory I was in physical contact with him? That didn't paint a very good picture for him.

I then think about the moment I had with Seth. Looking at him in the corridor. How looking into his eye's made me melt. How he made me laugh. How he had this amazing ability to infuriate me in Math with his constant teasing. How we shared the same weird sense of humour. Honestly seemed like the perfect guy. He had boyish tendencies but he was a good guy in general and he would make an amazing boyfriend.

The fact however remained that I had though about Ryan. I knew enough to know that that was not a good sign. I needed to think this over. I needed to be sure of my decision because it was the only way to be fair to both Seth and myself.

"Seth. Can I have some time to think about this? Please?"

His face lit up.

"I seriously thought that you'd flat out say no. So your answer actually makes me happy. Sure."

After we had said good-bye I got into my car and started thinking. Why did Ryan pop up into my mind like a Jack-In-The-Box (complete with evil grin and ridiculous outfit) when Seth asked me out.

I hate being a girl at times. We have to deal with all the confusion that is the male species. I wasn't lying when I told Seth that I still couldn't figure out guys.

Maybe I should ask one of my brothers? No, they amount of teasing I will have to endure just is not worth it. I will have to figure this out by myself.

And suddenly it clicked. I remember Sannie's teasing that I had a crush on Ryan...and I remember thinking that she might be right. With all that had happened I had forgotten about that little conversation, but it just helped to shed some light in a very dark situation. I might like Ryan.

Seriously?

With this realization came another. I really like Seth.

Was I caught between a rock and a hard place? What the hell was wrong with me? I know I keep asking that but honestly- wouldn't you?

On the one hand there was Seth who liked me and asked me out. He made me laugh and he made me happy. I really liked him and could see myself in a relationship with him. And the fact that his eyes made me melt inside was just an added bonus.

Then there was Ryan. We had never talked but rather we cried, faught and kissed. Ryan had never really made any indication that he might like me. Sure he kissed me and called me beautiful but he was a player. They all do that. Its part of the manipulation tactics they use to get girls into their bed.

It was after all this thinking that a single though flashed into my head: How did this happen to me? Last week I was your normal, ignored girl living for the day high school ended. Now I am trying to decide whom I like between two boys so that I can do the morally correct thing. I mean I really don't want to lead Seth on or go out with him if I actually do like Ryan because that would be a d*ck move.

I feel so messed up right now. This is meant to be reality not some low budget rom-com with a bad story line. Because that's what my life feels like right now. Just saying.

Maybe I should just ignore both of them and remain an independent, free girl.

I shook my head. Even I know that I couldn't ignore this. I definitely had feelings for these boys. Now I just need to decode these feelings and work them out. If not for me then because it would be the right thing to do to let Seth know where he stands with me. I am not the type of person who gives people half-hearted answers and semi-truths. He deserves to know everything honestly and I will do my best to ensure that I respect him with a decent answer. Be it a yes or a no.