Us, to nowhere

•40•

My graduation is in three weeks. I spent half of my life here, now I'll have to leave. I don't want to do so, but I have no other option. I'm going to miss these hallways, these classes, these dances and these stupid, stupid fellow classmates of mine. These people have raised me and now I have to leave them. Leave him. I was called to the principal's office, downstairs. I have no idea why.
I knocked on the door as she asked me to come in, honestly, I just went like, when did I subconsciously hit someone else with a tray?
"Um, I was called."

"Yes. Please sit, I just want to tell you, I am exceptionally proud of you, and the fact that you've gotten into Ryersen. I've been told it's your dream college." She was being too sweet.

"Yes. It's almost like a dream."

"Except now it's reality. I would love, if you represent this year's class as valedictorian."

"Oh, my god. This...um...thank you so much. It's truly an honour."

"But as you know, graduation is in three weeks, so will you be able to prepare a speech this fast? I need it in two days."

"Yes. You will have it, in two days."

"Alright. Thank you. You may leave."

"Uh, yes."
I was way too excited for this. I mean, it is going to be great. I never thought I could be valedictorian but, I'm going to write the best speech ever. It's going to make everyone cry.
Oops, I almost forgot, we have to sign each other's yearbooks today. Yay. But looking at the hideous yearbook pictures is the sucky part.

"Hey." Delilah said.

"Woman, guess what?"

"I know you've got gossip when you say this."

"Well, it's not technically gossip."

"I'm all ears."

"I got picked as the school valedictorian."

"Girl, what? Honestly, there couldn't be a better one. I'm proud of you."

"Of course you are."

"So, sign my yearbook now, will ya?"

"Yess."

"D, honestly, you are the best bestfriend anyone could ever ask for and I love you." I wrote this in her yearbook and I decided I will open mine when I go home. So that I can cry, secretly, wearing sweats and eating a cheesecake.

I sat in the library after school, I was writing the speech. I mean, I did want it to be perfect. The library was almost empty. I sat down, and it was so silent that you could literally hear every time the door opened.
So I looked up, and it was Alex. What the fuck was he doing here? Honestly, I can't believe him.
Conveniently, he's wearing my favourite shirt. The one I bought him.
I decided to ignore him and continue with my writing.

•••

She looked so good. This was the first time, I was looking at her in the whole day. She sat there so beautifully, thinking, and biting her lip everytime she had an amazing thought, with her hair in a messy bun and strands of loose hair, just falling down her face and doing things she didn't even realise she was doing that made me fall in love with her all over again.
I went over to her, and it took her by surprise.

•••

"Hey, um." He said, nervously, yet with those loving brown eyes.

"What do you want?"

"We promised each other, we'll write something in our yearbooks. I still want to keep it if you want to."

"Um, yeah, of course I do."
We exchanged the books and each wrote something.
Soon the library started clearing and before I could notice, it was just us two. She decided, I want to leave. So I got up, but so did he.

"Hey, listen."

"What?"

"Let me drop you home."

"I'll be fine by myself."

"Please, it's too late."

"Okay."

"Let me." He held the door for me.

"Could you stop being chivalrous? Jeez."

"I was..."

"Yeah yeah, I know."

"Can we please, not fight, this time?"

"Yeah, I can give it a shot."

"Thank you. I love-- this."
He immediately corrected himself. Well, he was going to say practically the one I've wanted to say all along.
The whole ride, was bizarre. It's never been this quiet.

•••

We started playing songs. She was humming. Her voice, so beautiful.

"Oh my god, I love this song." I played 'Thinking out loud' by Ed Sheeran.
And she held my hand. Like she didn't notice it, but when my hand was on the gear, she held it. And I just wanted to take those and kiss them. But we had already reached home. Mine was just in the next block.
"So this was...was, um, thanks." She said. But it was all a blur. I was still thinking about the touch.
She snapped her fingers, shouting, "Alex?"

"Yeah. I'm here."

"Physically, yeah. Mentally, with Paige? Maybe."

"I don't have feelings for her, Faith. I love you. Even if I deny the fact, I can't stop what I feel towards you. You might have moved on with that Nathan guy. But I haven't."

"I haven't eit..."

"Looks like you have, with you dating him."

"It's none of your goddamn business who I date. We broke up, remember?"

"Of course, we did."

"And how are you throwing shade at me? I wasn't the one who had sex with another human."

"Oh my god. It was a mistake. It happened once."

"One time was enough for me. And don't call it a mistake. You knew what you were doing, and you knew it would hurt me, but somehow that didn't stop you."
There was silence, so much silence we could hear our own hearts beating.

"Listen, can we please stop this? I can't do this over and over again."

"You know we were strong. We were tough together. I let you in. I don't let people in. You knew my vulnerable sides, no one else did. We would've lasted what people say forever if you hadn't fucked up."

"We can still last forever."
I went in to kiss her, but she went aback.

"No, we can't. Forever seems like a noman's land now."

"Let's make it ours."

"No Alex. I can't."

"You just don't want to. I don't know what Nathan has done to you, but the old Faith would've given me a chance."

"And the old Alex who didn't have a Paige in his life wouldn't have done this to apparently the girl who makes him the better man. And don't you dare drag Nathan into this. He's been there when you weren't."

•••

We both were shouting at each other, we both weren't ready to listen. We both still wanted to forget everything and kiss each other. But I got so angry, I banged the car door shut and left.
I went upstairs.
I changed. And I saw from my window, as usual, he was still sitting downstairs, waiting for the lights of my room to switch on, so that he'd know I was safe. He could stand there forever, for all I care. I switched on the lamp, sat on my bed and I opened my yearbook. And the first comment was Alex's.
I read it.
"Baby, I know, you're hurting, I know I've caused you unbearable pain. And I'm really sorry." Next I know tears are falling. "I love you. I always will."
I didn't care. I just wanted him to leave.
So I switched the lights on, and when I heard the engine start, I turned them back off, and cried.

•••

I wanted fresh air. I parked my car. And I was walking, everything was cloudy, I was crying.
But all I remember is that I fall down and people are gathered all around me and one of them is calling 911.