Self Deception

72 / Abandoned

7-31-17
And you had my trust,
Nothing less-
Over and over,
We had cycles like a washing machine,
Wring me out
Till I've got nothing left soaking me.
Got me ghosting,
No saturation and I'm floating.

Oh god, your knives
Burn through me,
Slash me to fucking pieces,
There's nothing stopping you.
I feel it so hard I'm cold.
You melt me down like candle wax,
Till I'm liquid and hanging to the atmosphere.
Swimming like vapor, underneath your ceiling,
Slowly rolling down the paneling,
Staining everything.
Every fuck I had to give, left,
Walked out,
With open hinges.
I see myself swinging from this framework
We left wide open,
Like we never kept walking through it,
Just to make sure the floor creaks.

Shot of mouthwash this morning,
Now I taste bullets,
Got a cold sweat creeping up
My arms like a spider.
Keep thinking I can get low,
But tell me again,
Why I'd want to come out of a place
That drowns out demons
Like
You.
Never had luck with women,
And he tells me I'm fine,
But no, you see,
It's this shit that started it all.
You were the last straw,
I needed not to break.
What's fine about this?
What's fine about all of it?
The truth hit me,
While I was higher than heaven,
I'm disgusted by what I see,
Dropping weight like it's acid,
To feel myself lighten up.

And ma, I'm sorry,
They've built my coffin
Out of tongues,
Nailed me in,
So I know the pain is real.
You dug the hole,
And they didn't even know what they were putting me in for.
Don't cry for me at the funeral,
They've got your name,
My ribcage will open when I die,
Your secrets aren't safe much longer.

It'd be wrong to ask how you're so heartless,
Because my hands are dirty,
I've been digging myself to the bottom of this road, too.
I hope you keep looking and I hope you find water.
I hope it leads you somewhere so much
Better
Than here.
Because I'm never leaving the shit,
There's a special place here with my name
Carved into the trees,
My scent in the rain,
And my blood on the walls.
You weren't meant for this,
You were only meant to lure others here.
I guess I could use the company,
And your ghost just makes me break even
With my anger.

I try so hard to see past these walls,
The wooden palettes,
All telling stories.
The images flashing on the walls.
We've built a house, in the middle of a desolate place,
And you fucking abandoned the bitch,
But a part of your soul stays,
I know it because she sells her love to me,
The better half of you can deny it.
And he likes the time of year
Where everything dies.
You're in luck, my love,
I'm racking skeletons.

So I make friends with walls,
And memories,
Because that's all I can draw from you,
Your character makes me sick.
But I never could write for you
Until you brought out the worst of me.
I never could write for you
Until you weren't here.
So fuck you,
You're the last thing I could ask for.
This building has seen too much-
It'd collapse if you came around.
And It's so much easier to love what I'm left with, than hate how you left it.
- (m.m)

Second piece of work ever written for you. Both of them have been pretty bitter, and they're both here. Fuck you. This is the last time. I have lessons to learn from it, from you. And I have something to love rn.