The Tribute Drummer

Don't Cry, Baby

"Shut Up Faith!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't stand it anymore, please be quiet. I don't know what to do for youuuuu" I was crying as much as Faith, my head and heart hurt from her yelling and screaming, her little lungs heaving. I shut the door I had been with her shushing her, jiggling, trying to feed her, burping, changing bums, everything, double checking, triple checking. I felt I would accidently hurt her if I touched her again so with the door closed I flaked on the floor, fetal position and that's where John found me 2, 5, 10 I don't know... minutes later. I didn't know the time, I didn't even know the day, hell the year was even blurring.

Faith in hysterics and me not far behind, holding my head and cursing the world.

"What the hell is going on Cat!" John pushed me off the door and scooped up our daughter." You can't leave her like this. Here now bub what's got you in a tizz, causing mummy grief are you" John half yelled at me then immediately sing-songed to Faith, her screams settling in what seemed like seconds, I hit myself in the head open fist slaps. "Stop Catlyn! Its ok, she's better now, see"

Yes she was better, for him.

I continues to hit myself as he settled her, then catching my arms he held me tight as I fought to break free. "I can't help her she doesn't like anything I do. You're so good to her. I'm scared I'll hurt her John I shouldn't be near her" I stopped struggling and fell into his chest, sobbing and being the big arse baby I am. "I hate myself for being like this but I am"

"You're tired tis all."

"No it's not that, she.... she hates me. She screams all the time" I looked up and he was struggling to come to any conclusion to give me some sort of reassurance. "I'm not a mother John, I'm just Rat, the trib drummer"

"Cat huny" John bundled me up and took me to the couch sitting down then pulling me onto his lap. "I'm trying to be here for you both, I know this has been hard. Maybe we should see the doctor"

"So now I need sedation or something, a pill for the sick woman that can't care for her own baby"

"I didn't say that!"

"You implied it. Geez just toss me on the pile and get some chick from the front gate to look after her they would be 100 % better than me"

"Catlyn shut the hell up would you" John picked me up, strode through the cottage and dropped me into the bed "Get some sleep! I don't want to hear this crap anymore. Julian will be here tomorrow, sort your head now or I will call the doctor"

He was so mad at me I could see his eyes. The hate in them shining, at what I was saying. "John, John" He was shutting the door but I still held out my arms, he finally relented and walked back over, sitting down beside me, sighing "Call the doctor. I'm all over the place. Sorry for being so awful"

"Get some sleep, ok" He kissed my forehead and walked off, no hugs, no love. No love- we hadn't even been together since before Faith came along, the whirlwind of events putting everything in a tailspin, making love was left to die; along with any intimacy we had shared.

I couldn't sleep, after tossing and turning and going over and over my life I finally gave up. Rolling over, looking at the clock I found somehow it was 4am, Faith would be stirring soon. I'll sit beside her in the rocker and maybe I can doze while I wait for her eyes to open on a new day.

*************

Johns POV

I woke and it was 5 a.m. The sun was streaming in over the couch where I lay. Faith nor I hadn't stirred which was unusual. Tiptoeing to the nursery I pushed the door open and there she was; leaning over coo-ing to Faith, smiling and dressing her, singing nursery rhythms being a beautiful mummy I know she is, and can be, I will still call the doctor the mood swings seem to be worsening, maybe he can suggest something to help.

"Oh, you scared me! How long have you been there!?" Cat picked up Faith and walked over to me with a bit of a sheepish smile "John forgive me" She kissed my lips once again, making me happy with her closeness and love. I don't doubt the love- it's there, she wears it every time she looks at me even in fits of rage; we have been a tad estranged but I'm hoping as Faith grows we will be back in sync again soon.

"Just looking at my beauty's- taking a mental picture of you both"

"Shall we picnic on the beach for dinner, Julian loves the beach" Cat was jigging around with Faith. As Cat walks past the windows the sun's rays shine through, a glow surrounding her,  making her nightgown semi- see through like an angel with a halo of light. "John? Did you hear me"

"Umm yes that looks, umm, sounds like a great idea"

"What were you looking at?" She walks over to me and I struggle for an excuse so go with honesty, always the best policy with Cat she can sniff a lie at 20 paces!

"I was looking at an angel walking past my window, oh babe your legs go on forever, the light making your nightie almost disappear" I must have smirked but she had me up against the wall, bub in one arm, her other hand lingering over my trouser zip, teasing, lightly touching, making me want her yesterday, then she was gone yelling 'coffee' over her shoulder! "You'll keep!"

When Julian arrived, we went straight down the beach as the doctor was at the cottage looking after the girls, Sean was off with Linda and their kids for a few days of fun.

"Nothing's wrong with the baby or Rat is there dad?" Julian kicked at the water trying to skim pebbles further than I could. Hearing him say dad so easily was music to my ears, we were, to put a Beatles tune into action 'getting better all the time'.

"Not too serious, just some settling in issues I guess, It's been pretty full on with the surprise baby, accident an' all" I was down playing, not to worry Julian, he cared a lot for Rat and was just as enamoured with the bub.

We had a competition to see how far we could make the rocks skim, it was fun and we talked about everything. His music, his girlfriend. I love it!

"Can we go up, the doctor might be finished, I want to see the girls" Julian said as he flung another rock. I nodded ok so we finished smashing the waves with the last of the pebbles and scrunched through the wet sand back to the dunes. Dusk was nearly upon us and the sky was ablaze with colour.

************

"Thank you doctor, I'll try all this lot and make an appointment in a fortnight" Cat stood on the step of the cottage as the doctor walked off, not seeing us she retreated back inside.

"Jules go inside, see the girls" The doctor paused at the gates for me to catch up "Eh up doc how's me girls going"

"Hello John, walk with me back to the car" I fell into step with the doctor he was a tall lanky guy so I was having trouble keeping up "Arr they are both doing well, physically, a wonder for the bub. And Catlyn is well on the mend" We got to his motor and he opened the doors putting his black bag in the back, seemingly choosing his words carefully "You've been helping her, yes?"

"Of course, as much as I can"

"Yes, with Sean and Julian you have experience. You need to remember Catlyn has been flung into this from a great height, so basically, easily put, she is in a free fall. Her, not being around babies or children as she grew up, a tomboy, it has her feeling lost, scared and even alone in this situation. I know you're here, but a hundred people can be around you sometimes and you can still feel alone" The doctor waited for me to digest his words then continued "Thus said, she is showing classic signs of post-natal depression"

"But she is happy enough" I held the door as the doctor hoped in. Shutting it when he wound the window down.

"It's up and down - depression, hidden well. I've given her medicine, tablets, just see if they help her. She might need a month or 6 months, you should see a change in a day or so. Stabilising any mood swings will help you all. I'll be off, good evening, take care"

Shoving my hands in my pockets I jogged slowly back to the cottage, looking in the window, Julian and Cat were laughing and mucking around with dinner.

"Hey there you lot, where's the grub, dinner at the beach still?!" I strolled into the kitchen and grabbed Julian around the shoulders he was as tall as me! We packed up everything, food, blankets, crib and blankets for Faith, torches too, and went to start the bonfire on the beach.