The Tribute Drummer

Scared

Not pregnant, at least.

The longer John stayed away the worse I felt. I was a dirty, trash and his absence confirmed it. I lay in the bed from then on and never got up. Linda and Abe took turns to make sure I took the pills I should take.

Rusty stopping by for a hug when they left. Pacing the room

"I went and yelled at him- John"

I didn't move or talk so he took it as his cue to go on "I had to climb over the fence to get in. You know he's doing the same thing down there?!" I blinked "He's holed up in his bed, you're in this one- I don't get it."

He gave up and left and I was alone for the longest time, longer than before, left to let tears run down my face.

***

"Paul yelled something and a door slammed shut. Then silence reigned. The curtains blew sea air in and a storm over the ocean was getting prepared to unleash.

I leaned over to the side table for the pills, my fumbling amounted to knocking them to the floor. I left them, too bad really, they made me numb which I wanted to be.

He leaned on the doorframe and just looked at me, sad eyes but a hurtful face. He was angry, at me.

"So what did you do to make him fuck you?" John never one to mess with words spat them out machine gun style.

The words hung there, so hurtful, so spiteful, so horrible. Neither of us moved until I finally reached for the bottle on the floor breaking the silence. Popping the lid I took one more than I should have.

"Did you enjoy it?"

"Why are you saying this, go away come back when you grow a heart"

"I can't, Pauls on door detail. Abe's hovering in the fucking courtyard in case I choose the balcony for escape"

"Well cool your heels out there in the living room, leave me the hell alone"

"What, to wallow in your sap, cry on your pillow?" He laid down beside me and I crawled onto the chair, he moved closer again; now he sat on floor at my feet. Touching my toes, goading me to react.

"Are you trying to make me hate you? Because it's too late. I closed that door when you didn't come and didn't care enough to bother. You all knew, they cared but not you" The tears were threatening to flow from my eyes and I swiped at the horrid things, they never help anything.

"I've been busy"

"Great"

"I've been assessing my future"

"Well I'm glad that's going well for you. Flowers and champs ready for the big return to life, to your wife"

"She's not"

I went on "Your wife, the one that had you round her little finger as you trotted after her like a puppy"

"I. I don't want to be hurt again"

"Well ditto to that. A tad late for me though isn't it. Your. YOUR! agent fucking raped me with a gun held at my head and I don't want to be hurt again"

I went to the shower and turned it on, steam billowing. It was way too hot, but hot was good. Hot was good to wash the invisible dirt off my skin and the images burned into my retinas.

Shutting the door, I leaned against it til I finally stepped into the shower, my clothes washing with me. The heat was bad but bearable, my skin reddened under the stream of water. He appeared and turned it down, cooling the water to warm. Getting in with me fully clothed he tried to hold me.

I saw a new kind of red then, thumping him and screaming. He wouldn't budge, wouldn't leave. I left scratch marks on his face, his face I missed so much.

"I'm a prick, I know. I couldn't stand to see this, I was too scared to see you like this"

"I screamed in his face "SO NOW YOU HAVE, GET OUT. GO AWAY I HATE YOU"

I took a step back and fell on the side of shower slipping to the floor. Bawling like a baby. Big gulps of air.

"I was scared ok! You're so tough. A good tough, and strong, so strong. My god you make the average bloke quake with just a look, then this mess of a girl turned up, I was scared of seeing you like this" He was beside me on the bottom of the tub, water streaming all over the both of us.

"I was scared cause I didn't think my girl would come back, my tough girl who I want to know, I want to know you more"

"Well I'm sorry you were scared.... Get out Lennon" I spoke the words flatly, dead on my lips and he just up and walked out, not trying again.

Giving me what I wanted.